The Morning Report, Vol. 1

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Ah, the first Saturday of college football. A tasty appetizer before the MAIN COURSE WHICH IS NOW JUST EIGHT DAYS AWAY WEEK 1 OF NFL WEEK 1 OF NFL OMIGOD OMIGOD...

Sorry about that. It's too early for outward emotion. But seriously, great day of college football ahead. For me personally, I'll be watching medleys all day.

11 am (CST):
Northern Iowa at No. 22 Iowa (my NEW local team)
Minnesota at Syracuse

2:30 pm:
Mizzou-RAH at Illinois
No. 13 Georgia at No. 9 Oklahoma State (let's go, Z-Rob)

6 PM:
Northern Illinois at Wisconsin (more on the Badgers later today)

7 PM:
No. 5 Alabama at No. 7 Virginia Tech


God, I miss Madison today. But anyhow...

Throw in a STAR-STUDDED day of U.S. Open tennis (Federer-Hewitt, Oudin-Sharpova in a battle of the hotties, Djokovic-Witten, Soderling-Querrey, Isner-Roddick, topped off by Blake-Robredo) and, um, why leave the house? Butt, meet couch. It's been a while.

But before we get started, here are six points to ponder in the first (and hopefully not last) installment of "The Morning Report", which'll rattle off some lingering thoughts when I wake up in the a.m.

• These Toaster Scrambles - bacon, egg and sausage - are deeeeeeeeeeeelicious.
  
• Watched Big Ten Cookout this morning, and it took me about 4.8 seconds to figure out that Melanie Collins - our April TNEA - is really dumb. Like, kind of unconsciously dumb. I'll cut her a break, since she's 22 and just getting started on TV (and apparently, BTN thinks it's a great idea to have a girl fresh out of college hosting important Saturday shows). But she's got a lot of work to do before entering the class of our girl EA. But still...you say Big Ten Cookout, I say "Stare at Melanie Collins' Rockin' Body For 30 Minutes." She is deeeeeeeeeeelicious.


• Answer to a previous tennis trivia question (Name the 11 American citizens to win a GS singles title in my lifetime): Sampras, Agassi, Roddick, Serena and Venus are the easy ones. The toughies? Jim Courier (4, a two pair of Aussies and Frenches between 1991-93), Michael Chang (the 1989 French, two months before Matt and Dan's births), Lindsay Davenport (every tournament but the French, between '98 and 2000), Jennifer Capriati (two Aussies and a French), and then the two American converts - Martina Navratilova and Monica Seles.


• After two rounds, heading into Labor Day weekend, my dad holds a slight 90-88 point lead over me in our U.S. Open draw. Overall, he has been better: all 8 of his quarterfinalists are still in tact and he didn't make a lot of dumb early picks. Despite me losing Mardy Fish as a quarterfinalists, my entire top half round of 16 is still in tact (and they could all win today too), which has helped me keep pace. Again, I have Murray beating Federer in the final, Dad has the opposite.


• Go ahead and Google "college football". This is the No. 2 hit. And this is the No. 9 hit. Gotta love the fact that college football has apparently become synonymous with Jenn Sterger. Google is awesome.


• Picks, picks, picks: I'll take Oklahoma State to barely fight off Georgia (best game of the day), No. 3 Oklahoma to sneak by No. 20 BYU, Northern Colorado to stun No. 25 Kansas in Lawrence in my upset special, Washington to topple No. 11 LSU in my other upset special, and No. 7 Virginia Tech to score a big BCS win over No. 5 Alabama tonight. Also give me Miami over host No. 18 Florida State in my third upset special on Monday, Michigan narrowly over Western Michigan, Wisconsin big over Northern Illinois (again, more on this later today), Illinois over Missouri, and common sense over LeGarrette Blount's stupidity.

College football preview coming later today! Enjoy Labor Day Weekend, everybody!

-AJ

Trivia Answers, New Question

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Four active left-handed batters have more hits than Todd Helton. Name 'em.

Ken Griffey Jr. (2749 hits, as of Monday morning)
Garret Anderson (2,469)
Johnny Damon (2395)
Jim Thome (2129)

(Helton has 2094. Bobby Abreu's on his tail at 2080. The active leader among righties is Derek Jeter with 2701, and Omar Vizquel's 2699 leads switch-hitters)

Albert Pujols now has nine consecutive 100-RBI seasons to begin his career. There are only six active major league players, besides Pujols, with nine 100-RBI seasons in their entire careers. Name 'em.

Thome, Alex Rodriguez, Manny Ramirez, Vladimir Guerrero, Chipper Jones, Carlos Delgado (Junior has 8)

Pitcher A: 141 IP, 10-5, 3.69 ERA, 1.39 WHIP, 125 K, 16 homers allowed in a hitter's park
Pitcher B: 150 IP, 9-9, 3.65 ERA, 1.26 WHIP, 134 K, 8 homers allowed in a hitter's park
Pitcher A makes $16.5 million this season
Pitcher B makes $750,000 this season
Name 'em.

Pitcher A is A.J. Burnett, who needs to be put in timeout along with Jorge Posada
Pitcher B is Ubaldo Jimenez, who has earned the quote from another major leaguer: "If you don't know about him yet, it's your own fault."

And now, for one more trivia question, of the tennis variety:

Name the 11 American citizens who have won a Grand Slam singles title in my lifetime, which dates back to the 1987 French Open. Hint: note the American CITIZEN part.

-AJ

ESPYs picks - from The Artists Formerly Known at 699-201 Mifflin

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Here are our ESPYs picks (and we swear, nobody has looked at the results from last Wednesday...begs the question why the hell they don't just tape it live on Sunday), courtesy of yours truly, my dad David, my next-door neighbor T.J., and Justin Petek, my father's brother's nephew's former roommate:

SCORING SYSTEM
Correctly pick "will win": 4 points
Correctly pick "should win": 5 points
Correctly pick "should and will win": 6 points

BEST MALE ATHLETE
Kobe Bryant, NBA
LeBron James, NBA
Jimmie Johnson, Auto Racing
Michael Phelps, Swimming
Aaron's picks: LeBron James should win, Michael Phelps will win 4
Justin's picks: Michael Phelps should and will win 6
David's picks: Michael Phelps should and will win 6
TJ's picks: Michael Phelps should and will win 6

BEST FEMALE ATHLETE
Natalie Coughlin, Swimming
Nastia Liukin, Gymnastics
Maya Moore, NCAA Basketball
Candace Parker, WNBA
Serena Williams, Tennis
Aaron's picks: Candace Parker should and will win 0
Justin's picks: Candace Parker should win; Serena Williams will win 0
David's picks: Serena Williams should win; Nastia Liukin will win 4
TJ's picks: Serena Williams should and will win 0

BEST CHAMPIONSHIP PERFORMANCE
Kobe Bryant, Los Angeles Lakers
Cole Hamels, Philadelphia Phillies
Michael Phelps, Olympic Swimming
Misty May-Treanor and Kerri Walsh, Olympic Beach Volleyball
Aaron's picks: Michael Phelps should and will win 6
Justin's picks: Michael Phelps should and will win 6
David's picks: Michael Phelps should and will win 6
TJ's picks: Michael Phelps should and will win 6

BEST BREAKTHROUGH ATHLETE
Shawn Johnson, Olympic Gymnastics
Evan Longoria, Tampa Bay Rays
Derrick Rose, Chicago Bulls
Matt Ryan, Atlanta Falcons
Aaron's picks: Matt Ryan should win, Derrick Rose will win 5
Justin's picks: Evan Longoria should win, Shawn Johnson will win 0
David's picks: Shawn Johnson should and will win 0
TJ's picks: Matt Ryan should win, Derrick Rose will win 5

BEST RECORD BREAKING PERFORMANCE
Usain Bolt, Olympic Sprinter
Larry Fitzgerald, Arizona Cardinals
Phil Jackson, Los Angeles Lakers
Michael Phelps, Olympic Swimmer
Aaron's picks: Larry Fitzgerald should win, Michael Phelps will win 4
Justin's picks: Usain Bolt should and will win 0
David's picks: Michael Phelps should and will win 6
TJ's picks: Michael Phelps should win, Usain Bolt will win 5

BEST UPSET
Mine That Bird wins the Kentucky Derby
Oregon State stuns then #1 USC
Tampa Bay Rays win the American League Championship Series
US Soccer shocks Spain in the Confederations Cup semifinals
Aaron's picks: Oregon State should win, US Soccer will win 4
Justin's picks: US Soccer should win, Tampa Bay will win 5
David's picks: US Soccer should win, Mine That Bird will win 5
TJ's picks: US Soccer should win, Tampa Bay will win 5

BEST GAME
Federer vs. Nadal in the 2008 Wimbledon Final
Steelers vs. Cardinals in Super Bowl XLIII
Syracuse vs. Connecticut in the Big East Tournament Quarterfinals
Aaron's picks: Fed-Nadal should and will win and ESPN can go to hell if it doesn't 0
Justin's picks: Syracuse-UConn should and will win (editor's note: pssssh) 0
David's picks: Fed-Nadal should and will win 0
TJ's picks: Syracuse-UConn should win, Federer-Nadal will win 0

BEST MOMENT
Florida’s Tim Tebow’s speech
Helio Castroneves wins the Indy 500
US swim team wins thrilling finish in Olympic relay
Aaron's picks: US swim team should and will win 6
Justin's picks: US swim team should and will win 6
David's picks: US swim team should and will win 6
TJ's picks: US swim team should win, Tim Tebow will win 5

BEST PLAY
Ovechkin vs. Rangers
Pacquiao KO’s Hatton
Roethlisberger to Holmes Super Bowl Winning TD
Texas Tech’s Michael Crabtree makes game-winning catch vs. Texas
Aaron's picks: Roethlisberger should win, Crabtree will win 5
Justin's picks: Roethlisberger should and will win 6
David's picks: Roethlisberger should win, Crabtree will win 5
TJ's picks: Roethlisberger should and will win 6

BEST TEAM
Connecticut Women’s Basketball
Los Angeles Lakers
North Carolina Men’s Basketball
Philadelphia Phillies
Pittsburgh Penguins
Pittsburgh Steelers
Aaron's picks: North Carolina men should win, Pittsburgh Steelers will win 0
Justin's picks: Connecticut women should win, Los Angeles Lakers will win 4
David's picks: Pittsburgh Steelers should and will win 0
TJ's picks: Connecticut women should win, North Carolina men will win 0

FINAL RESULTS
David Brenner - 38 (wins tiebreaker via "should win, will win" picks, 2-1)
T.J. Clayton - 38
Aaron Brenner - 34
Justin Petek - 33

-AJ

U-S-A! U-S-A! C-H-O-K-E-D! and more Case of the Mondays

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More Riverside Rants in the middle of a Wimbledon that might have a couple Andys in the semis and Williamses in the final...

• Boy, there is just nothing better than a bunch of loud, drunk Americans being wheeled into one bar on a bandwagon to watch the rarest of rarities: a relevant USA soccer game, huh?
• There were a surprising amount of Brazil soccer fans there, too, which made things fun. Particularly when the American team went up 2-0, the bar went bazooka-bonkers twice, and the poor Brasilian hooligans looked like they were contemplating how to go into hiding for the next 28 years. I loved the part where our table started up the "U-S-A! U-S-A!" chant on both occasions.
• Of course, just like any low-budget horror movie, it ended badly. When Brazil scored the game-winner with 10 minutes to go, the table of yellow-and-green-clad patrons started mocking us with their own version of the U-S-A chant. I won't reprint what qualifier they added; this is a family sports-and-hot-chicks blog.
• The funny thing is, I seem to recall reading a story about how much the rest of the world hates that U-S-A! chant. Like it's beyond obnoxious to any foreigner. I think I read that during the Olympics, maybe.
• I guess I can appreciate that, in all honesty. The chant is plain, it's simple, and it basically boasts, "we're better than you" in a sing-songy fashion. I suppose the foreign-language chants hold less personal entitlement to them, so whatever.
• But it was all in good fun, and no bad blood lingered between the two fan groups on the way out or anything. Besides, our group forgot about the not-so-devastating result halfway on our commute from Brats to the Terrace; we wouldn't have wanted our Brazilian amigos to stay depressed until the 2036 World Cup.


• And now, our Riverside Rant of the Week. Enjoy.
• Three big-time trades went down in the Association right before the Draft. Well, big-time if you're a fan of the Cavs, Magic or Spurs. Not so much if you're sticking with the Suns, Nets and Bucks.
• Hmmm...three playoff teams make moves to get better, while three non-playoff teams give away top players for basically nothing. Anybody still wonder why the same 16 franchises make the postseason each year?
• The East champs, Orlando, picked up Vince Carter, which kind of was all right, since they couldn't hang on to Rafer Alston and the Nets do receive Courtney Lee in return. But I don't know what New Jersey intends to do with Alston - who just "point"ed the Magic to the NBA Finals - seeing as Devin Harris isn't about to give up time.
• Then the stupid Bucks-Spurs deal, which involved five players - four of them completely irrelevant. Rip Jefferson is now in San Antonio, in exchange for bag of balls.
• Not the actual basketballs; just the bag. An empty bag.
• Bruce Bowen will get bought out, Kurt Thomas is now useless and Amir Johnson is terrible. The Milwaukee Bucks: ready to rise? More like ready to slap that snooze button and get another 45 minutes of sleep.
• "The Bucks' incentive to make the trade is largely financial," according to the AP story. A true statement, if you leave out the 'largely' part. Milwaukee GM John Hammond said this gives the Bucks "much-needed options in the short- and long-term."
• What short-term? Somehow, giving away a 20-point scorer and deadly shooter for whom you just traded the farm 18 months ago is good in the short term? Replacing him with a 36-year-old center and an overpaid, fourth-string forward helps your team in the short term?
• John, John...just call it what it is in your pretty little statement. "Our franchise is hemorraging money and selling out fans, so we're just going to put more money in our already-fat pockets. Thank you, and go to hell."
• And then, that Shaq trade. You might say, 'the Cavs shouldn't start printing up a banner just yet; the Diesel is running out of gas at age 39.' This may be. But they got him basically for free.
• The Cavs sent Ben Wallace (probably retiring) and Sasha Pavlovic (probably getting bought out and returning to the Cavs) to the Suns. Wait, scratch that sentence. Neither of them are going to Phoenix. So why'd they do it?
• "For the Suns, the O'Neal trade is a straight salary dump." Ah, I see. A team that won 60 games LAST YEAR made a blockbuster deal that made zero basketball sense to it. The economy didn't crumble THAT fast, fellas.
• Here's the actual rant: I understand there are reasons behind cutting salary. Heck, the Nuggets made a straight salary dump with Camby and ended up with the greatest season in franchise history. But they were already a good team, and LA was trying to add pieces. That deal made some sense to both sides.
• Now we're seeing these teams basically GIVE UP. And why? Because the owners wanna slash expenses in a bad economy?
• That's the part, good readers, that makes me the sickest. The next owner who makes any sort of B.S. statement about tightening his belts should take a gander at the unemployment lines in their city. Or read the disturbing headline that 19.7% of May 2009 college grads are now employed within a month of commencement, compared with 51% in May 2007. Or do any other sort of actual research involving impoverished families who can barely afford the day.
• Then tell us, your paying customers, about tightening your belts.
• It's this simple, you 120 owners: you're filthy rich. And you own a sports team. If you don't care about winning and care about making money, sell your team. There's got to be a few more Mark Cubans out there that will spend, spend, spend to win.
• Because that's what makes sports go around: 30 teams in each sport that are extremely competitive, not 8 haves and 22 have-nots. Enough of these excuses.
• One more thing: if you type the words "salary dump" into Google Search, followed by the word "NFL", "NHL" or "MLB", you get somewhere in the range of 25,000 maybe 30,000 results. If you type in "salary dump NBA"? 40 grand.
• David Stern, you have a call from a dirty, disgusting little secret on line one.


• As my cohort in crime Andrew Petersen found today on Twitter, Chase Daniel was pleased to announce that Missouri was "one of two schools to produce a first-round pick in the NFL, NBA and MLB drafts this spring."
• Why, that's nice, Chase. Showing support for your alma mater like that.
• Should I even mention that both North Carolina AND Southern California are in the group with Missouri? Or would that force us to learn whether or not Chase can count past two?
• Ah, screw it. Mizzou-rah.


• Wimbledon picks, or "Wimby" if you're a ruh-tard headline writer at ESPN: Andy Roddick gets past Lleyton Hewitt in a solid five-setter, Andy Murray eases past JC Ferrero in three, Novak Djokovic knocks off Tommy Haas in four, and Roger Federer squeezes past Ivo Karlovic in a surprisingly entertaining four sets.
• On the women's side? I think I mentioned a couple Williamses who might have a bit of success. Dinara Safina might be the worst No. 1 of all time, and Elena Dementieva is the eternal "play to my seed and just go home" player.


• Go see the Hangover. Then see it again. But if you pass up Transformers 2 to see Hangover a second time, at least sneak into the sequel for the first 10 minutes.
• Two words: Megan Fox. Two more words: her legs. And that's all I have to say about that.

Have a good one.

-AJ