ESPYs picks - from The Artists Formerly Known at 699-201 Mifflin

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Here are our ESPYs picks (and we swear, nobody has looked at the results from last Wednesday...begs the question why the hell they don't just tape it live on Sunday), courtesy of yours truly, my dad David, my next-door neighbor T.J., and Justin Petek, my father's brother's nephew's former roommate:

SCORING SYSTEM
Correctly pick "will win": 4 points
Correctly pick "should win": 5 points
Correctly pick "should and will win": 6 points

BEST MALE ATHLETE
Kobe Bryant, NBA
LeBron James, NBA
Jimmie Johnson, Auto Racing
Michael Phelps, Swimming
Aaron's picks: LeBron James should win, Michael Phelps will win 4
Justin's picks: Michael Phelps should and will win 6
David's picks: Michael Phelps should and will win 6
TJ's picks: Michael Phelps should and will win 6

BEST FEMALE ATHLETE
Natalie Coughlin, Swimming
Nastia Liukin, Gymnastics
Maya Moore, NCAA Basketball
Candace Parker, WNBA
Serena Williams, Tennis
Aaron's picks: Candace Parker should and will win 0
Justin's picks: Candace Parker should win; Serena Williams will win 0
David's picks: Serena Williams should win; Nastia Liukin will win 4
TJ's picks: Serena Williams should and will win 0

BEST CHAMPIONSHIP PERFORMANCE
Kobe Bryant, Los Angeles Lakers
Cole Hamels, Philadelphia Phillies
Michael Phelps, Olympic Swimming
Misty May-Treanor and Kerri Walsh, Olympic Beach Volleyball
Aaron's picks: Michael Phelps should and will win 6
Justin's picks: Michael Phelps should and will win 6
David's picks: Michael Phelps should and will win 6
TJ's picks: Michael Phelps should and will win 6

BEST BREAKTHROUGH ATHLETE
Shawn Johnson, Olympic Gymnastics
Evan Longoria, Tampa Bay Rays
Derrick Rose, Chicago Bulls
Matt Ryan, Atlanta Falcons
Aaron's picks: Matt Ryan should win, Derrick Rose will win 5
Justin's picks: Evan Longoria should win, Shawn Johnson will win 0
David's picks: Shawn Johnson should and will win 0
TJ's picks: Matt Ryan should win, Derrick Rose will win 5

BEST RECORD BREAKING PERFORMANCE
Usain Bolt, Olympic Sprinter
Larry Fitzgerald, Arizona Cardinals
Phil Jackson, Los Angeles Lakers
Michael Phelps, Olympic Swimmer
Aaron's picks: Larry Fitzgerald should win, Michael Phelps will win 4
Justin's picks: Usain Bolt should and will win 0
David's picks: Michael Phelps should and will win 6
TJ's picks: Michael Phelps should win, Usain Bolt will win 5

BEST UPSET
Mine That Bird wins the Kentucky Derby
Oregon State stuns then #1 USC
Tampa Bay Rays win the American League Championship Series
US Soccer shocks Spain in the Confederations Cup semifinals
Aaron's picks: Oregon State should win, US Soccer will win 4
Justin's picks: US Soccer should win, Tampa Bay will win 5
David's picks: US Soccer should win, Mine That Bird will win 5
TJ's picks: US Soccer should win, Tampa Bay will win 5

BEST GAME
Federer vs. Nadal in the 2008 Wimbledon Final
Steelers vs. Cardinals in Super Bowl XLIII
Syracuse vs. Connecticut in the Big East Tournament Quarterfinals
Aaron's picks: Fed-Nadal should and will win and ESPN can go to hell if it doesn't 0
Justin's picks: Syracuse-UConn should and will win (editor's note: pssssh) 0
David's picks: Fed-Nadal should and will win 0
TJ's picks: Syracuse-UConn should win, Federer-Nadal will win 0

BEST MOMENT
Florida’s Tim Tebow’s speech
Helio Castroneves wins the Indy 500
US swim team wins thrilling finish in Olympic relay
Aaron's picks: US swim team should and will win 6
Justin's picks: US swim team should and will win 6
David's picks: US swim team should and will win 6
TJ's picks: US swim team should win, Tim Tebow will win 5

BEST PLAY
Ovechkin vs. Rangers
Pacquiao KO’s Hatton
Roethlisberger to Holmes Super Bowl Winning TD
Texas Tech’s Michael Crabtree makes game-winning catch vs. Texas
Aaron's picks: Roethlisberger should win, Crabtree will win 5
Justin's picks: Roethlisberger should and will win 6
David's picks: Roethlisberger should win, Crabtree will win 5
TJ's picks: Roethlisberger should and will win 6

BEST TEAM
Connecticut Women’s Basketball
Los Angeles Lakers
North Carolina Men’s Basketball
Philadelphia Phillies
Pittsburgh Penguins
Pittsburgh Steelers
Aaron's picks: North Carolina men should win, Pittsburgh Steelers will win 0
Justin's picks: Connecticut women should win, Los Angeles Lakers will win 4
David's picks: Pittsburgh Steelers should and will win 0
TJ's picks: Connecticut women should win, North Carolina men will win 0

FINAL RESULTS
David Brenner - 38 (wins tiebreaker via "should win, will win" picks, 2-1)
T.J. Clayton - 38
Aaron Brenner - 34
Justin Petek - 33

-AJ

¡Yo Soy Conando! and more Case of the Mondays

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Finally…WE’RE BACK! More Mile High Musings – wait a minute. We need to change the subtitle of this thing. I mean, Case of the Mondays remains great, but Mile High Musings? I’m no longer in Denver! No more need for nostalgia. Hmmmm…what fits with Iowa?

(I swear to God, the next wisenheimer who makes a corn joke is getting 4,000 ears of corn shipped overnight to your front door. Grrrrr…)

Corn actually doesn’t work, since Davenport is extremely urban. No sign of corn anywhere. The Mississippi River’s right there, though. How about, Riverside Rants? That work for everybody? Good.

Now, without further adieu…a supersized pilot installment of Riverside Rants on a Monday that sees a parade of champions passing through during the past few weeks…

• My dad and I had a conversation on, I wanna say it was Friday; the Lakers had just taken a 3-1 lead in the NBA Finals and the Red Wings were about to battle the Penguins in one game, in Joe Louis Arena, for the Stanley Cup. My dad posed the interesting question: if you could take one and only one result to your liking based on rivalry (a Red Wings loss at home, or a complete Laker collapse), which would it be?
• Interesting question, I think. And I’d love to hear input from other Colorado fans. Basically, you’re either harkening back to your good ol’ Avalanche-loving, “Red Wings Suck” days and stripping Detroit of a Cup on its home ice … or you’re making sure “The Rapist” is handed the most painful beating of his life in Games 5, 6 and 7 which would make a diehard Nuggets fan feel kinda, sort better in the end.
• My dad’s take was hands down, take the Red Wings loss. I think he’s still more into the NHL than I am, so he loved seeing Denver’s most hated rival failing to win their fifth championship of the Colorado Avalanche era.
• Me? I had to think for a minute, before agreeing with my dad. However, I had a different reason. Kobe is a psycho. He really is. And I mean that in a good way. He absolutely killed himself over the past two years – mainly, in the past 12 months since losing to Boston – to get that fourth ring and first post-Diesel ring.
• If you’re a Nuggets fan, or Spurs fan, or Blazers/Jazz/Suns/Mavs/Rockets/Hornets fan, do you want ANY part of an even more pissed-off Kobe Bryant in 2009-10? I didn’t think so. Let Kobe soak in the completion of his quest, and now that he’s getting older – not to mention, that’s a whole lotta games he’s now logged in the last 24 months – there’s great opportunity for another Western Conference team to make the Finals next season.
• (Psssst…Chauncey, are you listening? MAKE IT HAPPEN NEXT YEAR! Thank you.)



• So anyway, speaking of the Lakers, congratulations to Los Angeles on your 15th. And to Phil Jackson on his tenth in 19 years – now THAT is an accomplishment.
• But I’m morally obligated to complain about this somehow, so let’s talk about that ghastly postgame ceremony in which three different sequences were excruciating to watch, not from a I-hate-the-Lakers standpoint but from a why-is-this-completely-ad-libbed-I-think-I’ll-flip-to-TBS-to-watch-Mean-Girls-now standpoint…
• Stuart Scott’s first interview upon the Lakers being presented the Larry O’Brien trophy was not Jerry Buss. It was Jerry’s son Joey – what kind of high-powered executive is named Joey? – whose attire (not just any polo shirt and jeans; it was an outfit that looked like it was 40 percent off at Kohl’s during Bonus Buys week in May) indicates he didn’t realize he was going to be accepting a world championship trophy on national television. Instead, he thought he was just gonna be backstage, draining free booze with attractive 24-year-old interns who were staring at the huge bulge in his pants.
• (A bulge caused by a wallet filled with Daddy’s cash. Get your minds out of the gutter.)
• Anyway…uhhh…okay, I’ll ask. Where’s Jerry? Why are we talking to his son, who nobody’s even heard of (not even Kobe or Pau)? Why can’t he shave his neck patch? Why was the answer to Stu Scott’s first question a long pause and then, “this one…means…a lot.”? (Thanks for the elaboration) And for god’s sake, if we can’t hear from the actual owner, why not his daughter, Jeanie Buss, who’s also dating Phil Jackson? Wouldn’t it have been great for Stu to kid around with her about dating PJ with some sort of lame sex pun or asking if this would be a good time for Phil to pop the question? That whole sequence was especially painful.
• Then during Scott’s interview with Phil, that went well enough…right until the end, when Phil addressed his family, said “they mean so much to me and I can’t thank them enough” to clearly complete his answer. But Stu must have had a stroke or something, because he stared at Phil for THREE GOOD SECONDS, keeping the microphone in front of his face, not asking a follow-up question or turning it back to David Stern, forcing Phil to stammer out awkwardly, “thank you”. Hi, hello Stu? Earth to Stu? You’re on NATIONAL TELEVISION. Wake up.
• And then, Stern brings up Bill Russell, apparently to assist him with presenting the MVP trophy to Kobe Bryant. Sounds like a real two-man job. Stern lists off all Bill Russell’s accolades, reminding the Magic crowd and L.A.’s fans of how successful the Celtics’ franchise has been (like anybody cares or wants to hear about that). After a long-winded introduction, Stern nods in Russell’s direction, and Russell goes to take the microphone and present Kobe with the trophy in his name. Except, inexplicably, Stern gives Russell the “psyche!” treatment, turning back to the crowd and saying, “Ladies and gentlemen, your 2009 Finals Most Valuable Player, Kobe Bryant!”, and the camera shows in on a stunned Russell, clapping politely but almost certainly thinking, “WTF? Is Stern clinically insane? Why’d I come down here? And where’s Kevin Garnett at? Shouldn’t I be giving him this trophy?”
• What a weird postgame, post-championship ceremony. Well done, ABC and NBA. Take a bow.
• Or don’t. Whatever.



• Pau Gasol wears braces? I had no idea.
• I still think Gasol’s nickname should be Garbage Man, for all the easy points he picks up for doing almost nothing. But I do not still think he’s overrated. He’s one of the top five big men in the league, no matter how he gets it done.



• Saw the Hangover Saturday. Comic genius.
• That is a spot-on representation of what every man aspires to with bachelor parties and Vegas-related shenanigans in general. The physical humor was great – but that’s kinda besides the point.
• Hangover is an absolute quote machine, like Anchorman-level. I cannot WAIT to buy the DVD – which will certainly be Unrated and might come with 3D glasses, considering the direction of Hollywood – and start memorizing every line. Highly recommend the flick, if you haven’t caught it already.



• How ‘bout them Rockies? Got a lil’ stat for you. Looked it up myself.
• On June 15, 2007, the Rockies were right at .500, had a minus-24 run margin, and sat 5 games behind the Dodgers out of the National League wild card.
• On June 15, 2009, the Rockies were one game under .500, had a plus-22 run margin, and sat 3.5 games behind the Giants out of the NL wild card.
• The ’09 team was unwatchable on June 1. The ’07 team made the World Series.
• All together now: I’m not sayin’. I’m just sayin’.
• Okay, I admit it. I did hurt myself jumping on the bandwagon. I’m not making any playoff declarations; I’m not even saying I’m going to watch them any more closely now…it’s not easy when you’re out of town like this. But at least they’re watchable now, and should the Dodgers drop off even a little bit – well, things might get interesting.



• And now, our weekly News and Views (Andy Baggot, your check is in the mail)…
• News: Jason Marquis pitches brilliantly for seven innings on Saturday, leaving with one earned run and a 3-1 lead. Manny Corpas enters in the eighth, surrenders a game-tying two-run jack, but finishes the inning and benefits from two Rockie runs in the bottom half of the inning. Corpas picks up the victory; Marquis gets squat.
• Views: Please, MLB statnerds, PLEASE … can we do away with the silly won-loss rules for pitching? Like, really. I’d feel just as wronged if Johan Santana gave up 11 runs in two innings, only for the Mets to win (or lose) 17-15 and provide Santana with a no-decision.
• We’ve got to create a new formula for win-loss: maybe it’s gotta be the team record when that guy pitches. Or perhaps it takes into consideration who was leading when the pitcher departed, which wouldn’t keep it as a “win-loss” record, but some other stat that judges how often a pitcher gives his team a chance to win the freaking ballgame.
• If nothing else, please…no more shall a reliever be allowed to pick up a blown save AND a win in the same game like Corpas did. PERIOD. If a starting pitcher can throw four solid innings and be disallowed from being named the winner, then we can certainly create a rule that stops a reliever from blowing a lead – or, for that matter, allowing two or more runs in any circumstance – from becoming the pitcher of record during a victory because his teammates bailed him out.
• And that’s my extended Riverside Rant of the day. Whew. Glad I could get that out.



• Federer’s French Fourteen. The Swiss Slam. Roger and Pete just hangin’ out together, on the same line.
• And yes, the victory is slightly hollow since Nadal didn’t meet Federer there in the final at Roland Garros. But as they say, you can only beat the guys on the other side of the net. It wasn’t like Roger went all college football on us and intentionally scheduled a patsy like Robin Soderling to roll over under all that pressure on Championship Sunday.
• Should Nadal be unable to compete at Wimbledon, does that make things easier for Roger’s quest to break Sampras’ all-time mark in London? Sure it does. But is it automatic? Not even close. I think the likes of Novak Djokovic, the much-improved homeboy Andy Murray, and even a hot stringer like Andy Roddick (not to mention all the young talent like Del Potro, Tsonga, Ferrer, Gulbis, et al) might have something to say about that.
• But anyways, well done to Federer. He deserves inner peace after having the French Open elude him all those years. Wimbledon should be terrifically fun.



• As for the women’s side? Boy, when Maria and Ana are hurt/struggling and the Williams sisters go quietly in the early rounds, I just can’t bring myself to care. Sorry. Need more stud players outside that foursome.
• For the avid tennis fan: buy this book. Now. And read it. Read it all. You can do it in a day. And that’s all I have to say about that.

Have a good one.

-AJ

Why the Nuggets can - and will - beat the Lake Show

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So I’m posting this after the Lakers took the tight Game 1 victory last night, but I promise you, the majority of this was written beforehand; and though I’m fairly nervous that the Nuggets may have blown their one shot to win in L.A. because Chauncey forgot how to hit free throws, I stand behind everything. I’m still taking Denver in six, and as a quick aside, Cleveland in five.

Well, here we are. The Western Conference Finals of our dreams, the one everybody wanted. Well, not quite everybody. I don’t think Laker fans are thrilled about possibly getting knocked off their title plans by the team they absolutely punked just 13 months ago.

Look, the Lakers are darn good. Very talented. That is an awfully deep team, too; they don’t miss a beat when Odom, Walton, Vujacic, Farmar, Brown and Powell get minutes. Andrew Bynum’s health probably makes them that much better … depends if he decides to show up on any given night. Pau Gasol is the best pretty boy center in the Association, and I mean that in a good way. And Kobe is, well, still Kobe. Let’s just hope he’s not Doin’ Work all over the Nuggets in the series. By the way, is he allowed to visit Eagle when he comes here? Just askin’.

But something doesn’t smell right about Los Angeles. Mainly, in the point guard region; the armpit of the Lakers’ body of work. Literally, every time Derek Fisher takes a shot not from the corner, (postscript; obviously, he had the dagger last night. From his favorite spot. Where else?), I start to smile. You just know it’s probably not going in. And I’m not totally sold on Jordan Farmar yet. Definitely not sold on Shannon Brown.

Take a gander at the last nine NBA champs; they were captained by Rondo, Parker, Wade (basically ran that offense), Parker again, Billups, Parker once more, and three years of Kobe-Shaq in their primes. An older-than-fossils Fisher and the unproven Farmar doesn’t even come close to matching up to ANYONE on that list.

Another thing: remember how everyone had a lovefest over Roger Mason this year, and how much of an X-factor he was as a role player? Whatever happened to him? Oh, right, he came back down to earth. Who’s to say the same’s not happening to Trevor Ariza? And speaking of X-factors, apparently Andrew Bynum is going to step out of his Greg Oden shoes and into those of Shaq circa 1996. I’m actually surprised how much the Laker backers are counting on Bynum’s presence to knock off the Nuggets.

So the Lakers’ Western Conference title hopes rest with Trevor Ariza and Andrew Bynum? If that’s the case, I like Denver’s chances. As much as Birdman and Anthony Carter may contribute in their own way, nobody’s mistaking them for X-factors. At the end of the day, you need you best players to be your best players, particularly in basketball. The Nuggets only win this series if they get top performances from Carmelo, Chauncey and J.R. Plus the bigs gotta show up too.

Kobe said immediately after the Utah series, maturely and correctly, that LA had to solve its focus issues. What indicates to you that they did so in the Houston series? Seven games against a team so far inferior in talent, without its two best players and without a man taller than 6-foot-9 on the floor (when you yourself have two 7-footers and a long 6-10er with Odom)? The Lakers have now played 94 games this season; uh, if you don’t have an answer for focus or chemistry problems by now, it just ain’t happening.

One other dirty little truth, that I’m sure Bill Simmons would be quick to point out: Kobe played 103 games last season ending with the Finals, and Pau Gasol played 87. Then they each played eight games in the Olympics, finding themselves in the gold medal game there against each other. Now they’ve played 94 (Kobe) and 93 (Gasol) this year. So…since November 2007, a 19-month span, Kobe has logged 205 meaningful games, and Pau 188. Oh, and Kobe passed the 1,100 game mark in the NBA recently, which has been around the time NBA players begin declining. (Allen Iverson is still about a half-season away from the millennium mark, and look what’s happened to him. Just saying.) Playing six or seven games in the next two weeks, without ever more than one off-day in between each contest, and having to play three games at altitude? You’re telling me there’s NO chance a tired and getting older Kobe averages, I don’t know, 19 points or so this series?

I’m going Denver in 6. And this isn’t wishful thinking. I’ve strongly, truly, honestly believed since early in the second round that the Nuggets were a better team. Nothing since has persuaded me differently, so I’m sticking with it.

-AJ

Vince McMahon has got a Case of the Mondays

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It's an abbreviated Mile High Musings for you today - in fact, it's more just one ranting column than anything else - as I'm super, super busy after graduation and moving out of Madison. But I owe you guys something, as it's been awhile.

I don't know why, but this story tickled my funny bone. I love Vince McMahon's pathetic - PATHETIC - attempt at a Nuggets potshot. "Even though the Denver Nuggets had a strong team and were projected to make the playoffs..."

Wait, wait, let's pause here for 10 seconds. And not for station identification. What phony NBA publication was he reading? Everyone had the Nuggets penciled as the last lottery team, with Portland making the big jump and joining the other big seven in the postseason with Denver missing out. But nice try at buttering up Nuggets fans before your impending, completely deranged commentary on Denver hoops.

Anyway, "...projected to make the playoffs, obviously Nuggets and Pepsi Center owner Stan Kroenke didn't have enough faith in his own team to hold the May 25th date for a potential playoff game."

Let me calm down, count to ten, and soothingly first state that I understand Vince McWoman isn't being serious here; it's just his personality to make outlandish statements in order to create ratings for his organization. Courtesy of my studies from Dean Baughman at Wisconsin, we call this the 'sphere of deviance'; comments like 'the sky is green' or 'everyone hates puppies' or 'Derek Fisher stands a chance of slowing down Chauncey Billups' that nobody in their right mind would agree with. So I get that. What I don't get is why Vince gets his jollies from behaving in such manner. You've gotta be seriously psycho to make a living and a reputation off being a complete ass. I feel sorry for him. Honestly, I do. Oh, and I could care less that he's ripping the Nuggets. My thoughts below have everything to do with McMahon's strange quotes and nothing to do with, hey, he's picking on my NBA team, boo hoo. Nah, that has nothing to do with it.

But for fun's sake, let's tear him apart anyway, shall we? Good.

Here's the quote in question, one more time: "obviously, Nuggets and Pepsi Center owner Stan Kroenke didn't have enough faith in his team to hold the May 25th date for a potential playoff game."

First off, I guarantee you Vince didn't know for certain that Kroenke owned the Nuggets as well as the building. So this is obviously being doctored by his p.r. "specialists." Good to know a guy as bloated and idiotic as McMahon has people responsible for making him sound as if he makes some semblance of sense... and still failed epicly. You're damn right I just made up that word: epicly.

Next ... uh, no, Vince, the Nuggets haven't played this late into May since the early 80s. Or, you know, since wrestling was actually kind of popular. So I don't think it would be a good business decision to expect your team to make the conference finals and thusly refuse to stage any other sort of revenue-building events at your arena for a three-week block. To be honest with you, I think even owners of such perennial contenders like the Yankees and Lakers and what not understand that.

And finally, singling out May 25th. Vince wanted Stan to "hold the May 25th date for a potential playoff game." Riiiiiiiiight. Because the NBA obviously knew without a doubt that a conference finals game would be played on that EXACT date.

I mean, people, you have to work to be this foolish. But then again, that's what the WWE is: foolish. Good riddance; the Pepsi Center doesn't want or need your business.

-AJ