Eben Britton Will End You and more Case of the Mondays

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Mile High Musings for a Monday morning after turning 22 years old and spending the day wondering – pondering, even – if I should follow in Chad Johnson’s footsteps and change my name to “Double Deuce”…

I think I learned this weekend the biggest reason the NFL Draft annoys me is because we just don’t know what the heck the teams are thinking. I still watch it because it is entertaining and there’s a hopeful aura that your team picks well-known names that fit your team’s needs.

But we won’t know how this draft class will pan out for a few seasons after Mr. Irrelevant’s name is called, and you usually just walk away wondering why your team didn’t follow what ESPN experts were saying they should have done.

You do have to love the seventh round of the NFL draft. Here were some of the names taken in the first eight picks of the Irrelevant round: Chris Ogbannaya, Paul Fanaika, Taufui Vakapuna, Edjuan Biggers, and – my personal favorite – Captain Munnerlyn. Yarrr, Captain!

Wow, way to spit on your fans, Denver Broncos. You honestly thought reaching for the best running back in the draft about ten spots too high was going to woo your fan base? We’re not stupid, Josh McDaniels.

It’s obvious the problem last year was defense, notably getting to the quarterback and stopping the run. So why, why, why in the world did you take your ten picks and use just four of them on defense – and only one pick (Robert Ayers) on the front seven???? WHY????

But hey, the ex-Patriot McDaniels did manage to select a sixth-round quarterback whose name starts with "Tom Bra...."

I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'.

And at least the Broncos didn’t pick a wide receiver No. 7 when he was a questionable first-rounder…with Michael Crabtree perfectly available. Or a cornerback in the second round when Senor Hairpiece vehemently argued he could’ve been signed in free agency.

Could be a fun column sometime: What are the five worst franchises in sports? Al Davis' Raiders are right up there.

How about this story out of Jacksonville? Sounds like somebody took their cocky pills Saturday. Eben Britton, the Jags' second pick - and second offensive tackle, after Eugene Monroe - apparently got an A in self-confidence class. Have a look at some of his quotes, after sliding down out of the first round and into the 39th overall selection:

“I couldn’t be happier that to be picked by the Jacksonville Jaguars but I was (ticked) off. There isn’t a bigger organization that I could have asked for, but every team that passed on me will regret it for the rest of the history of that franchise.”

“I was always told I wasn’t big enough, fast enough to play. Well, the chip (on my shoulder) just got a little bigger and somebody’s going to pay.”

So what's your career plans, Eben?

“I want to lead the Jacksonville Jaguars to the Super Bowl and I want to become the greatest tackle in the history of the NFL.”

Oh. Okay. What do you think of Mel Kiper Jr. and Todd McShay?

“You know what, if one of these draft guys lined up across from me, they’d be dead, so that’s not something I’m really concerned with. If you want to line up across from Eben Britton, you’re going to know what’s happening to you, I guarantee you that.”

Eben Britton sure knows what Eben Britton wants. Here's guessing we never hear from Eben Britton again.

The NBA has passed a new law. When the Celtics need a three-pointer in the final 30 seconds of a basketball game, the opposing coach must – MUST – double-team Ray Allen and tell his two guards, “I don’t care if they pick and roll, if they penetrate and kick, if they bring out the Patriots’ offensive line to block for Ray Allen or if Ray takes the shot from the popcorn stand in section 218. If you let Allen have any more than three and a half inches of open space during this next possession, you both will be on a bus heading to the D-League before the final horn.”

The next coach who fails to do this is breaking the law…and should be on a bus heading to coach D-League before the final horn.

Why? This. (32 second mark)

And this.

And this.

And this.

And, finally, this.

Get the picture, Bulls?

My roommate Justin’s take on the Cleveland-Detroit series, when ABC cut away from the scintillating Bulls-Celtics game to LeBron warming up for a Game 4 promo: “They’re gonna win by 70.”

And the sad thing is, my immediate response was, ‘well, not quite. But they’ll be close. The scrubs will whittle it down to a 50-point win.’

I think it’s safe to say Denver won the Chauncey-Iverson trade.

News: Despite legitimate speculation that the University of Wisconsin would not put a single prospect into the first three rounds of this weekend’s NFL Draft, four Badgers were taken in the third round after a UW-less Day 1. Matt Shaughnessy (Oakland), Kraig Urbik (Pittsburgh) and DeAndre Levy (Detroit) were taken eight spots apart in the 70s picks, and Travis Beckum (New York Giants) was the 100th overall pick and the final selection of the third round.

Views: I have to tip my cap to Wisconsin, which must be proud of being just one of seven schools to produce four draft picks in the first three rounds (or, if this was last year or any prior year, four first-day selections.) Granted, nobody was actually a first-day pick in 2009, but when nobody figures you to have anybody gone in the first three rounds, four Badgers bucking the scout’s take is a nice trend.

More views: That all being said, what does that tell you about the 2009 Badgers, having just lost four top-100 players from a 7-6 team? As Scooby-doo might say…Ruh roh.

The above clip shows Jacoby Ellsbury stealing home against the Yankees, helping the Red Sox earn a three-game sweep.

Apparently the results Boston-New York rivalry is something like 52-51 since the start of the 2004 season. Coulda fooled me. It seems like the Sox absolutely own the Yankees every time they play.

But back to Ellsbury’s domestic burglary: check out the 1:15 mark. So the bases are loaded. Andy Pettitte is a left-handed pitcher who takes forever to throw a pitch out of the full, and can’t see Ellsbury. The Yankee third baseman (don’t know who it is, too lazy to look it up, all I know is it’s not A-Roid) isn’t holding on Ellsbury, who is as sneaky as he is fast.

With there being a left-handed hitter at the plate facing a lefty pitcher, the chances are slim that a ball will be hit to the third-base area. And Ellsbury took a giant lead before he even took off…he had such a great jump that he stumbled the last two steps and still got in safely.

What did we learn from this little event? That maybe the Yankees should have kept some of that $423.5 million they gave to CC/Tex/Burnett and spent it on, you know, sensible coaching with common sense.

Later this week, I’ll have my annual birthday wishes column, along with a little piece on a beloved event held in Madison each year that according to a friend of mine, doubled as “the world’s largest wet t-shirt contest” in 2009.

Apparently, State of Play is “sooooooo damn good.” I’ll have to see if it’s as good as Taken.

Family Guy with an off week, after a hilarious episode last Sunday. Hopefully this doesn’t start a downward spiral. And that’s all I have to say about that.

Have a good one.

-AJ

We Are...Columbine and more Case of the Mondays

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Mile High Musings on a Monday morning hangover from a great, great NBA weekend with excitement that’s overshadowed only by sorrowed memories on this 10th anniversary of one of the greatest tragedies in American history.

I went to Chatfield Senior High, the (former) rival school of Columbine High School. Ten years ago, on April 20, 1999, I think everybody's life was changed forever: students and teachers, children teenagers and adults, Coloradans and all Americans. I didn't personally know anybody involved with the attacks, though I have several friends who knew students that witnessed the attacks or were injured during Columbine.

The week that it happend, the entire Bradford Elementary sixth grade was in southwestern Colorado at Crow Canyon, near the four corners. I'll never forget the teachers calling us into a large meeting room just after dark and Ms. Auger telling us what news they had received - "Today was a terrible day for Denver", she began. I'll never forget the hush that fell over the room as Ms. Auger divulged the details, telling us with a crack in her voice that our school and schools around Jefferson County were on lockdown and that everyone at our school was safe. I'll really never forget being scared out of my you-know-what thinking about my little brothers, Matt and Dan, who were fourth-graders at Bradford that day and kept locked inside the school until the coast was announced as clear. I'll never forget how shocked everybody was, the tears shed that night (and remember, these were 12-year-olds, a few years away from high school). And most importantly, I'll never forget the impact Columbine had on all of us in the Jeffco community, and I'm sure the same goes for schools and cities around the country.

We love you, Columbine, and will never forget.

Just for today, the blog will be navy blue, Columbine's primary color...so please forgive anything that's hard to read.

Now on to the Musings…

• Ranking the eight NBA series from least interesting to most interesting, taking into account each of the Game Ones from the weekend…
  8. Cleveland-Detroit - thought the Pistons would've put up more of a fight
  7. Los Angeles-Utah - not good when Coach throws in the towel before game one
  6. Atlanta-Miami - looks like D-Wade isn't Superman after all...
  5. Denver-New Orleans - ...same goes for Chris Paul...
  4. Orlando-Philadelphia - ...and for Dwight Howard. Team before individuals, I guess.
  3. San Antonio-Dallas - can San Antonio fight off its biggest rival sans Manu?
  2. Portland-Houston - will take an awful lot for Baby Blazers to forget about 108-81
  1. Boston-Chicago - the champs are wounded. Can the Bulls take advantage?
• You may have noticed a common theme. The four most interesting series saw the road underdog take Game 1; Nos. 5 and 6 on the list went to the home team, but are still competitive series; and the two most boring series have already been decided for all intents and purposes.
• Other than Utah and Detroit (who limped into the playoffs and have terrible, terrible matchups), we've got 14 quality playoff teams on our hands. I'm not going to get on a soapbox here - just check out my chalky bracket - but I'm not at all surprised that four of the six road underdogs not playing Cleveland or LA have stolen home advantage in the opening games.
• Today, we spell redemption: AI. Miss two freebies late, make up for it with a game-winning, off-balance jumper in the last two seconds. What a finish for Andre Iguodala.
• My, that Derrick Rose is impressive. And such an improved free-throw shooter ... think John Calipari would've liked to have some of those back, say, a year and two weeks ago?
• Hi, Ray? Ray Allen? Wake up. The playoffs started. And no KG around to help you. Time to play.



• Hats off to Denver and Atlanta for paying attention to Saturday's upsets and taking care of their business at home.
• Anyone who thinks the Hawks can't give the Cavs a heck of a run might be in for a surprise. That defense is shockingly underrated; they would just have to find a way to neutralize LeBron, somehow.
• And anyone who still says the Nuggets CAN'T beat the Lakers is dead wrong. I don't think the Nuggets, should the matchup occur, will beat LA. I wouldn't bet that Denver would do so, I wouldn't bet on theDenver even if you gave me good odds. But Denver CAN beat the Lakers. You can't tell me that LA's half-assed defense can just extinguish all that firepower without breaking a sweat.
• Joe Dumars, your thank-you note is in the mail. Not for Carmelo; for Chauncey.
• And my final NBA-related thought: Inside the NBA talent and producers, never change. That is, without match or master, the greatest sports studio show on television. They even talk about professional basketball every now and then. But only on occasion.





• Covered the Wisconsin Spring Game on Saturday. According to UW's "estimated attendance" as it was announced, 23,500 fans were there in the rain to watch a 56-20 blowout that didn't tell us much about the 2009 Badgers other than that Curt Phillips might have a shot at the starting QB position.
• How far off is that "estimate"? Put it this way: if I had a dollar for every fan there, and had to give a dollar back for every fan under the 23,500 mark that actually showed up, I'd be more broke than Michael Vick.
• I just don't get the need to lie about attendance figures. No shame in the fact that people outside SEC country just don't care about football in April.
• But from a football standpoint, the Badgers will probably struggle again in '09. Now, 2010...that's a different story.
• Let's say Phillips wins the job this year. The 2010 Badgers will feature returning starters at every offensive position except tight end Garrett Graham, the entire defensive line, two linebackers, both corners and both kicker and punter.
• That's UW's best shot to get back to a Rose Bowl. With as few seniors as there are this year, it kinda makes sense for Bret Bielema to make the tough decision, play Phillips this season and hope that Dustin Sherer, an improving pocket passer and a genuinely nice kid, understands.



• So, Brooklyn Decker decided to marry Andy Roddick. A good-looking 26-year-old tennis player who's made it some sort of personal vendetta to nail as many Hollywood hotties as he can, wedded to a 22-year-old Sports Illustrated model who's been famous for about two years and could get anybody she wants. And both travel around the world nonstop for their profession.
• Gee, if that's not the perfect recipe for longterm marital success, I don't know what is.
• And get this, something I learned yesterday: you know how they met? Roddick saw her picture in the '07 SI Swimsuit edition and, like every other red-blooded male, developed an instant crush. So he got his agent to track down her number, tried to score a date for five months - Decker admitted "I was stalked" - and eventually, she fell for it.
• Seriously, Vegas has got to have this on the board somewhere: over/under for how many months before the divorce.
• And if you've got this crazy idea about me being super-jealous and bordering on uncontrollable bitterness...you'd be right on, buckaroo.



• My preseason World Series pick is 11-1. I’m not sayin, I’m just sayin.
• Then again, my fantasy team is in last place by a solid four games (record after two weeks: 8-22-6), and my real-life team has lost six of seven (Rockies chances of a division title after two weeks: zero). So we’ve got some work to do there (realizing that baseball is complete guesswork and it’s better to be lucky than good, thus also realizing I hate baseball: priceless).



• That Heineken commercial with the four screaming guys was funny the first time. Heck, it was entertaining the first eight or nine viewings. But it's gotten old, guys.



• Family Guy last night – easily the funniest of the season – was titled “420” and all about legalizing pot. The very first commercial once the episode ended? One of those ‘Above the Influence’ spots. Coincidence? If so, that automatically wins the award for “Most Hilarious Irony of All-Time”.
• Watching Family Guy’s newest ensemble “Bag of Weed” where Brian and Stewie , which took us into commercial and Burger King’s newest commercial where the King raps “SpongeBob SquarePants” to the tune of Baby Got Back, was one of the strangest five minutes of my life involving back-to-back songs that make you stare at the television with your eyes bugging and jaw slacked, unsure whether to be humored or terrified by what you just saw. And that’s all I have to say about that.
  
  

Have a good one.

-AJ