Eben Britton Will End You and more Case of the Mondays

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Mile High Musings for a Monday morning after turning 22 years old and spending the day wondering – pondering, even – if I should follow in Chad Johnson’s footsteps and change my name to “Double Deuce”…

I think I learned this weekend the biggest reason the NFL Draft annoys me is because we just don’t know what the heck the teams are thinking. I still watch it because it is entertaining and there’s a hopeful aura that your team picks well-known names that fit your team’s needs.

But we won’t know how this draft class will pan out for a few seasons after Mr. Irrelevant’s name is called, and you usually just walk away wondering why your team didn’t follow what ESPN experts were saying they should have done.

You do have to love the seventh round of the NFL draft. Here were some of the names taken in the first eight picks of the Irrelevant round: Chris Ogbannaya, Paul Fanaika, Taufui Vakapuna, Edjuan Biggers, and – my personal favorite – Captain Munnerlyn. Yarrr, Captain!

Wow, way to spit on your fans, Denver Broncos. You honestly thought reaching for the best running back in the draft about ten spots too high was going to woo your fan base? We’re not stupid, Josh McDaniels.

It’s obvious the problem last year was defense, notably getting to the quarterback and stopping the run. So why, why, why in the world did you take your ten picks and use just four of them on defense – and only one pick (Robert Ayers) on the front seven???? WHY????

But hey, the ex-Patriot McDaniels did manage to select a sixth-round quarterback whose name starts with "Tom Bra...."

I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'.

And at least the Broncos didn’t pick a wide receiver No. 7 when he was a questionable first-rounder…with Michael Crabtree perfectly available. Or a cornerback in the second round when Senor Hairpiece vehemently argued he could’ve been signed in free agency.

Could be a fun column sometime: What are the five worst franchises in sports? Al Davis' Raiders are right up there.

How about this story out of Jacksonville? Sounds like somebody took their cocky pills Saturday. Eben Britton, the Jags' second pick - and second offensive tackle, after Eugene Monroe - apparently got an A in self-confidence class. Have a look at some of his quotes, after sliding down out of the first round and into the 39th overall selection:

“I couldn’t be happier that to be picked by the Jacksonville Jaguars but I was (ticked) off. There isn’t a bigger organization that I could have asked for, but every team that passed on me will regret it for the rest of the history of that franchise.”

“I was always told I wasn’t big enough, fast enough to play. Well, the chip (on my shoulder) just got a little bigger and somebody’s going to pay.”

So what's your career plans, Eben?

“I want to lead the Jacksonville Jaguars to the Super Bowl and I want to become the greatest tackle in the history of the NFL.”

Oh. Okay. What do you think of Mel Kiper Jr. and Todd McShay?

“You know what, if one of these draft guys lined up across from me, they’d be dead, so that’s not something I’m really concerned with. If you want to line up across from Eben Britton, you’re going to know what’s happening to you, I guarantee you that.”

Eben Britton sure knows what Eben Britton wants. Here's guessing we never hear from Eben Britton again.

The NBA has passed a new law. When the Celtics need a three-pointer in the final 30 seconds of a basketball game, the opposing coach must – MUST – double-team Ray Allen and tell his two guards, “I don’t care if they pick and roll, if they penetrate and kick, if they bring out the Patriots’ offensive line to block for Ray Allen or if Ray takes the shot from the popcorn stand in section 218. If you let Allen have any more than three and a half inches of open space during this next possession, you both will be on a bus heading to the D-League before the final horn.”

The next coach who fails to do this is breaking the law…and should be on a bus heading to coach D-League before the final horn.

Why? This. (32 second mark)

And this.

And this.

And this.

And, finally, this.

Get the picture, Bulls?

My roommate Justin’s take on the Cleveland-Detroit series, when ABC cut away from the scintillating Bulls-Celtics game to LeBron warming up for a Game 4 promo: “They’re gonna win by 70.”

And the sad thing is, my immediate response was, ‘well, not quite. But they’ll be close. The scrubs will whittle it down to a 50-point win.’

I think it’s safe to say Denver won the Chauncey-Iverson trade.

News: Despite legitimate speculation that the University of Wisconsin would not put a single prospect into the first three rounds of this weekend’s NFL Draft, four Badgers were taken in the third round after a UW-less Day 1. Matt Shaughnessy (Oakland), Kraig Urbik (Pittsburgh) and DeAndre Levy (Detroit) were taken eight spots apart in the 70s picks, and Travis Beckum (New York Giants) was the 100th overall pick and the final selection of the third round.

Views: I have to tip my cap to Wisconsin, which must be proud of being just one of seven schools to produce four draft picks in the first three rounds (or, if this was last year or any prior year, four first-day selections.) Granted, nobody was actually a first-day pick in 2009, but when nobody figures you to have anybody gone in the first three rounds, four Badgers bucking the scout’s take is a nice trend.

More views: That all being said, what does that tell you about the 2009 Badgers, having just lost four top-100 players from a 7-6 team? As Scooby-doo might say…Ruh roh.

The above clip shows Jacoby Ellsbury stealing home against the Yankees, helping the Red Sox earn a three-game sweep.

Apparently the results Boston-New York rivalry is something like 52-51 since the start of the 2004 season. Coulda fooled me. It seems like the Sox absolutely own the Yankees every time they play.

But back to Ellsbury’s domestic burglary: check out the 1:15 mark. So the bases are loaded. Andy Pettitte is a left-handed pitcher who takes forever to throw a pitch out of the full, and can’t see Ellsbury. The Yankee third baseman (don’t know who it is, too lazy to look it up, all I know is it’s not A-Roid) isn’t holding on Ellsbury, who is as sneaky as he is fast.

With there being a left-handed hitter at the plate facing a lefty pitcher, the chances are slim that a ball will be hit to the third-base area. And Ellsbury took a giant lead before he even took off…he had such a great jump that he stumbled the last two steps and still got in safely.

What did we learn from this little event? That maybe the Yankees should have kept some of that $423.5 million they gave to CC/Tex/Burnett and spent it on, you know, sensible coaching with common sense.

Later this week, I’ll have my annual birthday wishes column, along with a little piece on a beloved event held in Madison each year that according to a friend of mine, doubled as “the world’s largest wet t-shirt contest” in 2009.

Apparently, State of Play is “sooooooo damn good.” I’ll have to see if it’s as good as Taken.

Family Guy with an off week, after a hilarious episode last Sunday. Hopefully this doesn’t start a downward spiral. And that’s all I have to say about that.

Have a good one.

-AJ

Someone get Jay Cutler his ba ba; more Case of the Mondays

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More Mile High Musings for a Monday that, fittingly, begins with 30 fresh starts and ends with a championship finish...

• I guess I should weigh in on the Jay Cutler saga, you know, being that I'm a Broncos fan and I write for a blog and all. One problem: I don't quite know how I feel about the whole situation, like whose side I was on (Cutler's or the Broncos') or who was the winner in April 2nd's big deal (Bears or Broncos).


• The one thing I do know about the situation...well, to be honest, I can't say it any better than (of all people) George Karl, coach of the red-hot Denver Nuggets. When the DP asked Karl, who's dealt with a similar situation last summer with the Melo trade rumors, about the Cutler ordeal barely 24 hours before Baby Jay was shipped to Chicago, Karl said this:


• "My thought is - I'd take them up to the mountains, put them in a cabin, and make them spend three days with each other."


• Okay, when the man who took three years to figure out that giving JR Smith more than 15 minutes a game might be a good thing for your basketball team can make logical sense with his 'football GM' hat on, that's not a good sign for the Denver Donkeys, now is it?


• I get that Jay has the maturity of a six-year-old girl with Barbie-doll separation issues. I get that many of the all-time greats (John Elway and Carmelo Anthony, for two) have dealt with trade rumors far, far better than he did. I get that Cutler - a franchise player for two years - could have easily strolled across the locker room and asked his new teammate, safety Brian Dawkins and the Eagles' franchise player of 13 years, how to act like a man when your employer curiously wants nothing to do with you.


• But something doesn't sit right with me, when respected football writers like my personal favorite Peter King paint this picture of Pat Bowlen as not only a fantastic owner (which he is), but also a man you do not disrespect under any circumstances.


• Pat Bowlen's letter to Bronco Nation reeks of a spin job; methinks Mr. Bowlen felt his ego was more important than winning football games.


• Bowlen wrote that "it has never been about one player, and it never will be." Tell me, Patty, how it wasn't about "one player" when you allowed "one player" to set your franchise back five years because he didn't pick up his cell phone. Give. Me. A. Break.


• You allowed it to be about one player by surrendering to his so-called demands instead of fining the crap out of him and forcing him to make nice with Josh McDaniels.


• That's my thoughts on the Ghost of Broncos past; since I want to get to baseball, I'll post something about the Broncos future tomorrow. But quickly, I will say that I believe in Kyle Orton. Yes, this man. He is not "horrible" as I've heard so many good people and Bears fans (the same people, strangely enough) claim. We'll talk more about Orton tomorrow.



• I tell you: nothing says Opening Day quite like ponchos and down jackets, huh?


• Watching that Mets-Reds slip 'n slide...er, baseball game...earlier today, those fans looked like they'd rather be sipping cocoa in the ski lodge then freezing their arses off at a baseball game.


• As it was, two games were postponed on Opening Day (Rays-Red Sox and Royals-White Sox). Good thing; with soaking-wet fields, you wouldn't want the players to catch pneumonia by getting their Sox wet.


• Here's the part I don't get: when all 30 teams are in action, you've got eight NL games and seven AL games each day. Why aren't we dictating that every game being played before, say, April 15, is either in a dome or a warm-weather city?


• Florida, Atlanta, Milwaukee, Houston, Los Angeles, San Diego, San Francisco, Arizona. And Colorado, St. Louis and Washington as possible backups.


• Tampa Bay, Toronto, Minnesota, Seattle, Oakland, Los Angeles, Texas. And maybe Kansas City and Baltimore as possible backups.


• But no, let's schedule games in Boston, Chicago, and Cincinnati. What's funny is, out of the 13 games on Opening Day, 10 of them are in one of those domed or warm-weather locales.


• However, if MLB doesn't learn anything from this year, they never will. The three cold-weather games? Two postponements and the aforementioned tundra-like affair in Cincinnati.



• All right, Yankees fans, you finally got to see your $23 million a year 'till 2015 investment in action. And what did we get in return from Carsten Charles Sabathia, aka Mr. $700,000-per-start?


• (Consulting the box score...talk amongst yourselves...hmmm, this doesn't look good. Earmuffs, kids.)


• 4 1/3 innings, 96 pitches (only 50 strikes), six earned runs, eight hits, five walks and a whopping zero strikeouts. Lemme repeat that, because I sure as haaaaail did a double-take just typing that: five walks, zero strikeouts. Against the devastatingly powerful Orioles lineup.


• Stathead alert! Today was CC's 255th career start, and only the third time he failed to strike a batter out (both in 2005: May 5 at Minnesota and July 25 at Oakland). He's also never walked that many (five) while failing to ring up a single batter. By the way, on a separate note: CC's career postseason ERA is 7.92.


• 700 grand for that masterpiece today. Don't spend it all in one place, CC (or should I say, BB?)


• And Yankees fans, don't say I didn't warn you: Sabathia's gonna go something like 14-10 with an ERA in the high 3s, maybe low 4s this year. Sounds like $23 million well spent.


• For those of you screaming, "You guys both took him to win the Cy this year!" Well, consider this my official retraction. I'm going with either Ervin Santana or Roy Halladay. No, that's not a knee-jerk, one-game reaction.



• From the That Really Grinds My Gears Department: Tried out MLB.com's TV package today. I've done it the past three years, for some reason, since I've received the worst customer service out of any company to which I write checks. MLBTV's new "Nexdef" technology provides a crystal clear picture...but the damn thing freezes every 15 seconds, and doesn't refresh, so you end up watching the sixth inning when the game is actually in the eighth. Do not purchase this product, not worth the money.



• How 'bout my Marlins, huh? Highest run-scoring team of the day (as of 7 pm CST). Not bad for my World Series pick. Good start. Nice way to kick things off for Benji's favorite team, too; Rangers a 9-1 winner over the Tribe.


• Not so good for the Rox, 9-8 losers to the D-Bags Snakes.


• C'mon, Cookie, you're better than that.


• Quick shout-out to Michael Bleach of the Badger Herald, whose column last Thursday set the all-time Herald Sports record for "most commented story". (And to think, I only helped him once!) Had no idea softball people were that passionate, but it is a very well-written column and the ensuing commentors are insightful.



• BREAKING NEWS! So this news came out while I was putting this together: San Antonio Spurs douche guard Manu Ginobili's is out for the remainder of the season and playoffs because he committed too many flopping violations with an ankle injury.


• BREAKING VIEWS! Manu's season is over. So is the Spurs'. It's a two-horse race in the West now. (I will now go pump my fist Tiger-style for the next three hours.)
  
  


• Tonight's NCAA championship game should be a great one. The villain powerhouse against the Cinderella underdog that everyone's pulling for...for a reason other than basketball.


• Personally, I want to apologize to the Michigan State Spartans for doubting them. Sitting behind their bench during a bad loss to Ohio State in the Big Ten Tournament semifinals, the players seemed dysfunctional; I didn't get the feeling they really loved each other the way great teammates should. Kudos to Tom Izzo's crew for showing another iconic Big Ten coach how it's done in March and April, and it's great that you've lifted the spirits of Michigan.


• That said, speaking of teams that love each other, Tyler Hansbrough, Ty Lawson, Wayne Ellington and Danny Green didn't all come back to school just to lose in the championship game to a team it previously beat by 35...on that same court. Tar Heels win tonight, but it might be closer than you think - maybe the first single-digit win of North Carolina's tournament.


• Blake Griffin, thou art behemoth. Courtney Paris, thou art creatureth larger than behemoth.



• Brad Hawpe = Brandon Webb's daddy. And that's all I have to say about that.

Have a good one.

-AJ

Sounds like somebody's got a case of the Mondays

The first Tribute installment of Mile High Musings, for the final Monday of March Madness...

• I wake up this morning, cook my usual breakfast of cereal (Lucky Charms today. For those who care, they were magically delicious.) and flip on SportsCenter before I head to Monday morning class. I figure it'll be a quality show; we just finished with the Elite Eight, with some great games (Pitt-Nova and State-L'Ville) and enjoyable storylines (Spartans get home court, Tar Heels and Huskies clicking on all cylinders, Blake Griffin coming up juuuuuust short). The NBA conference races are heating up, and Opening Day (or Christmas come early, as some like to call it) is just around the corner. Oh, and that golfer guy that used to be good did something good yesterday. Rawr.
  
  
• But instead, I'm watching full-blown coverage of Kentucky Head Coach Watch: Day 37. Now they're saying Memphis boss John Calipari might - might! - be interested in the gig. (Since when are People Magazine gossip writers doubling as ESPN producers? Oh, wait, forever...that's right.) They've brought in three consecutive talking heads (Dickie V, Steve Lavin and a writer from the Lexington paper) to speculate: "how would Coach Cal fit in at Kentucky?"



• I turn to my roommate Justin, and boldly predict: "The moment Calipari agrees to work at Kentucky, the coverage will shift to, 'how will Coach Cal fit in at Kentucky?', and SportsCenter will basically reuse the same scripts again because they think we're idiots." To this, Justin nodded.



• Or maybe he was just nodding off*. All this Kentucky talk - you know, discussing the future of a program that, uh, hasn't made a Final Four in a decade - was putting this tried-and-true college basketball fan to sleep.
  *not actually my roommate, but sort of resembles him after a long night of Grand Marnier
  
  
• Sure enough, sources say Kentucky is working on an eight-year deal for Mr. "Free Throws Don't Matter" himself. It's a good move for him; he's accomplished everything he could at Memphis, and now gets a chance to show he can do it consistently in the big boy conference.
  


• I just didn't need to hear it 89 times today, ESPN. We got it. Especially with everything else going on in sports right now.
  


• If you hadn't had a chance to catch B-dubs' eugoogoly on the 08-09 Sooners, it's a great read, even if you don't bleed cream and crimson.



• Here's my personal eugoogoly of the Badgers' season: They came. They started. They did not finish. And thus, they did not conquer.



• Anything else you needed to know?



• First and only fantasy baseball draft of the year is Sunday. I had four football drafts last fall, and spent approximately 68 hours slaving over big boards and draft lists.



• Which is approximately 68 hours more than I've spent on the baseball draft.

• And it's an auction draft. Never been in one of those. We'll see how it goes, but I got a feeling I'm gonna end up being a worse GM than Chris Wallace.



• Sounds like somebody took Jay Cutler's pacifier away from him. They also took 100,000 grand from his wallet today for missing 10 days of workouts.



• I still think he'll be a Bronco on Opening Day in September. Not wishful thinking, just looking at it objectively.



• Because if he does get traded, and Denver doesn't get equal value, Josh McDaniels' stay in the Mile High City will be quicker than Antonio McDyess' third tour of duty.



• Speaking of which - and not to squeeze sour grapes on this magical Nuggets season - if Dice stays a Nugget, then LA's got some company up there on its lofty perch. Too bad.



• Believe it or not: Birdman > Marcus Camby. Ya heard me.



• I was close to tears the night Denver gave away Marcus for an expired grocery coupon. Wanted to throw away my Nuggets allegiance. But while the Chauncey trade officially turned things around, and rightfully got the pub for doing so, it's the addition of Chris Andersen that pushed Denver over the top. He's got the same defensive presence and a little bit more energy, for less than 10 percent of the price.



• That all being said, I'm still scared you-know-whatless of playing Utah in the first round and getting knocked out AGAIN before the playoffs really get started.



• Oh, wait...just saw that Utah is 1-14 on the road against winning teams this season. And they nearly blew second-half leads of more than 20 points in their last two home games, to less-than-awe-inspiring Phoenix and New York. Never mind.
  
  
• Apparently, Andrew "Out 8-12 weeks with a knee" Bynum is back in action, scoring left and right once again. But not for the Lakers.
  
  
• The Los Angeles big man, who was hurt on Jan. 31 and was hoping to be back before the end of March, was seen clubbing it at the Playboy Mansion over the weekend. Bynum was allegedly hoisting up models on his shoulders, jumping velvet ropes and playing the life of the party, doing everything but doing a cannonball into Hef's pool.
  
  
• I got no problem with mackin' on Playmates any chance you get. But seriously, man, can't it wait til' the end of the season? Way to support your teammates and get back out on that court for a few garbage games before the playoffs start.
  
  
• But hey, any friend of Nuggets Finals chances is a friend of mine. And we share initials. Attaboy, AB.
  


• Obligatory "Heroes" update of the week: Sylar's been quiet this season. With the new skill he just acquired, though, I'd say he's about to become Comeback Bad Dude of the Year. The good guys are in BIG trouble...as is Danko. I give him two, maybe three, more weeks of life.



• LATER THIS WEEK: A scintillating nomination for TNEA of the Week (Wednesday; hot babe alert!), B-dubs' Immediate Reactions (Thursday), and our Preseason MLB Power Rankinsg (TBD), final thoughts on the overall seasons of Wisconsin and Oklahoma sports (TBD) and Final Four stuff throughout the weekend.

Have a good one.

-AJ