Saturday, September 26, 2009

Tom Lea puts his NFL Pick 'em fate in the hands of Jay-Z, Phil Collins and Neil Diamond

You've heard the saying, 'you keep eating those muffins, I'll keep baking them'? Well, if Tom Lea keeps churning out these ridiculously hilarious, off-the-cuff and sometimes insightful rationale columns for how he makes his weekly NFL picks, I'll keep posting them. I go to Tom Lea for my obscure music references. -AJ

Okay, obviously last week’s picks did not go the way I wanted them to. Not only did I finish last in my division last week in my 30-team pick ‘em league, but I did so with some really dumb picks. I blame it on the swine flu.

Anyway, this week I have a new plan to launch the comeback. And I am going to utilize some help from my 1,066-song strong iTunes library.

So basically because I am God-awful at correctly picking the right outcome with these games, I figured I could use all the help I can get.

So, my iTunes shuffle is on, and I am just going to randomly tie in every pick I make to whatever song pops up. Yes I expect to be fully embarrassed, and no, I will not be ashamed of it.

Let’s see how this goes.

GREEN BAY over St. Louis

Wow … iTunes didn’t waste any time starting off with a monster hit from the 80’s. Alright, I can work with this.

Yeah, the Packers line is horrendous, awful, despicable, vile and just straight crappy. But as Corey Hart would be the first to point out … they will ‘Never Surrender.’

Sure, they lost to a Cincinnati team that tried everything in its power to blow another game they had no business losing. Obviously that first game against Denver was the fluke of all flukes, but props to them for coming into Green Bay and knocking off the Pack.

Unfortunately, the result in Lambeau from a week ago will do nothing but piss off a Packers team that is ready to prove everyone wrong. Let’s just let Mr. Hart take us home with his lyrical genius. (Tongue very much in cheek with that comment)

“No one can take away your right to fight and never surrender.”

Pack wins going away.

MINNESOTA over San Francisco

I knew Phil Collins would make an appearance in this thing. I guess when you have 54 of his songs, it’s simply bound to happen.

Don’t get me wrong, I love everything about the 49ers. I love their jersey, their colors, their running back and their coach. And most importantly, I know they are 2-0 and Frank Gore looks poised to rip through the NFC West and elevate his game to another level.

But, I just don’t think we’ll see them go into that atrocious dump they call a stadium in Minneapolis and leave with a win.

To San Fran: “I see your true colors shining through. I see your true colors, that’s why I love you. So don’t be afraid to let them shine. Just show your true colors.”

Unfortunately, I think San Fran’s true colors reek of an overrated team ready to collapse. I hope they prove me wrong.

ATLANTA over New England

New England is old and simply not that good anymore. I know this will definitely come back and bite me in the ass, but I really think it’s true. The Patriots should have lost to Buffalo, and the Jets defense completely shut them down.

Meanwhile, Atlanta is a young and exciting team on the rise. Matt Ryan looks like the real deal and Tony Gonzalez is still doing his thing even though he’s, what, 75 years old now? Pretty impressive.

I think the days of the New England dynasty are over. Randy Moss is slowly starting to come out of his PG-rated front he’s put on since arriving in Boston and is about to explode in an expletive-laden tirade or simply moon the Foxboro faithful. They are falling apart and falling apart fast. So, clearly, if they want to right this ship, they should probably converse with a higher power.

“Tell me all your thoughts on God. Cause I’d really like to meet her. Ask her why we’re who we are.”

I think her response would have something to do with them being a bunch of has-beens with a weak defense.

(And at this very moment, I am sticking my foot into my mouth.)

TENNESSEE over New York Jets

Fitting that a song from Jay-Z’s new album would come up. I have done nothing but listen to this over the past two weeks. It's truly good stuff. Anyway, 'Venus vs. Mars' is a tough one.

Tennessee has looked awful and I believe the Jets are highly ready for a letdown. I know the defense is terrible, but I think the Titan offense will do some things against the Jets, especially in the red zone.

“Shawty get it in…”

I told you this was tough … and when the song has obvious sexual under and overtones, I need to cut that one off quick.

PHILADELPHIA over Kansas City

Fitting that Kelly Rowland and Nelly’s classic 'Dilemma' would come on for this one. How are the Eagles going to use Mike Vick? I have no idea, but I am very intrigued. Maybe Nelly says it best:

“And in no time, I’m gonna make this friend mine. And that’s for sure. Cause I, I never been the type to break up a happy home.”

Just picture Vick singing that to McNabb. It fits perfectly into the situation.

Even though I don’t trust Kevin Kolb, Kansas City is just too weak. Eagles roll.

NEW YORK GIANTS over Tampa Bay

Clearly I have 'Too Much Time On My Hands'. Giants will dominate the Buccos.

CLEVELAND over Baltimore

Here’s my upset special. How can you not like a team that has looked everything short of death in its first two games. Now, you have a rookie throwing both ice cubes and punches at his teammates.

“Don’t forget that boy I told ya, get that dirt off your shoulders.”

Or just throw ice around … I don’t care. The Browns will win. Count it.

HOUSTON over Jacksonville

Good timing, Shuffle … Texas is the home of country music, isn’t it?

I like Houston for all the wrong reasons. They have great talent on the team, but I live and die by the play of Matt Schaub, Owen Daniels and Kris Brown each week with my fantasy team.
Of course, the time when Schaub and Daniels go off, I take them out of my lineup. That won’t happen again. Oh yeah, and Jacksonville is horrible. Houston will win.

Please just “Don’t tell my heart, my achy breaky heart,” if you were to lose, Texans. “I just don’t think it’d understand.”

DETROIT over Washington

Wait for it … wait … be patient … hold on … aaaaaaaannnnnnnnddddddd. Yup, it’s official. I’m picking the Lions. (AJ's note: don't go TOO nuts, Tom. 13 of 18 people who have their picks in so far have Detroit.)

Damn it, of all the songs that could have played, 'Over My Head' by the Fray had to come on now … It’s a sign. And that’s why I suck at this. (AJ's note: no disagreement here)

CHICAGO over Seattle

With Hasselbeck hurting, I don’t see anyway the Bears lose. Cutler looked like he rebounded after a terrible first game and the Bears offense looks somewhat capable of moving the ball.

“Hands. Touching hands. Reaching out. Touching me. Touching you … Sweet Caroline (BUM BUM BUM), good times never seem so good.”

Don’t get used to these current good times, Chicago. They’re not going to last.

NEW ORLEANS over Buffalo

I don’t think it matters who they play, because when the Saints put up 482 points a game, it’s tough to beat them.

I think Drew Brees says something like this in the huddle every time the offense takes the field:

“Imma take you there, Imma take you there, so don’t be scared, I’m right here baby. We can go anywhere, go anywhere, but first, here’s your chance, take my hand.”

Hell, if I threw 5 touchdowns a game, I would dance 'Forever' too.

CINCINNATI over Pittsburgh

I’m on the Bengals bandwagon. “You all don’t understand, make me throw my hands in the Ayer, a, ayer, ayer, a, ayer.”

Anytime you come in and beat my Packers in Lambeau, I’ll drink that Kool-aid.

MIAMI over San Diego

Miami should have beat the Colts. Ronnie Brown is legit and the Chargers defense is shaky at best. Thus, Miami will win.

And plus, I am slowly starting to gain some trust in Pennington. But, as the great Phil Collins once told me - and yes, this is his second appearance in this article - 'You Can’t Hurry Love.'

I’m taking it slow.

DENVER over Oakland

Who would have ever thought that Denver would be playing for a 3-0 start. And man, if the Raiders win, Al Davis might just break out in song because his team would actually have a winning record.

But the Broncos will squash that idea quickly, leaving Davis to sing about the past.

“I used to rule the world. Seas would rise when I gave the word. Now in the morning I sleep alone. Sweep the streets I used to own.”

Coldplay is so versatile.

ARIZONA over Indy

Simply put, 'Dream On', Indy. You’re not going to stop those Cardinal wide receivers.

DALLAS over Carolina

What, since they have a new stadium, does Dallas get to play in every night game?

I really don’t like the Cowboys, but Carolina is just not that good. The Panthers will just be 'Another one (that) Bites the Dust.'

And with that, I’m out.

The Complete 'Tom Lea Musical Guide To Making NFL Picks and Reaching Your Pick 'Em Glory ... Except The Complete Opposite", now in stores (except not), includes the following songs:
-Never Surrender by Corey Hart
-True Colors by Phil Collins
-Counting Blue Cars by Dishwalla
-Venus vs. Mars by Jay-Z
-Dilemma by Nelly and Kelly Rowland
-Too Much Time on My Hands by Styx
-Dirt Off Ya Shoulder by Jay-Z
-Achy Breaky Hart by Billy Ray Cyrus aka Hannah Montana's Dad
-Cable Car (Over My Head) by The Fray (Denver, what what)
-Sweet Caroline by Neil Diamond
-Forever by Chris Brown
-In the Ayer by Flo Rida
-You Can't Hurry Love by Phil Collins
-Viva La Vida by Coldplay
-Dream On by Aerosmith
-Another One Bites the Dust by Queen

For the record, the following songs came on AJ's shuffle while re-posting this:
-Banter #3 by Dane Cook
-I Should Be by Dru Hill
-Keep the Faith by Bon Jovi
-Always on Time by Ja Rule and Ashanti
-U Don't Have to Call by Usher
-Miserable by Lit
-Home by Switchfoot

-Without Me by Eminem

That's a 2-disc, 24-song set. If you really want that as a collection...uh...I guess send $3.99 our way, and we'll make you a mix CD. If you really want.

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