Friday, April 30, 2010

FEAR THE DEER. No, seriously. I'm scared.

First, let me say the following blog post is in jest. I've got mad respect for the Bucks, and I actually can't wait to watch the Hawks-Bucks game tomorrow. The Bradley should be rocking.

But ... I mean, have you seen this video?

Time to recap this masterpiece, mini-Bill Simmons/Ben Voelkel running diary-style:

0:06: Already, six seconds in, and your mouth is already dropping. Why are cartoony deer leaping out of nowhere (well, not nowhere. Bango was clearly standing on that rock beach in clear daylight, and for some reason this Hawks jersey-clad kid couldn't see what horrible collison he was about to incur) to tackle innocent bike-riders? And did Bango consider if there were young children around to witness this potentially life-scarring incident? I demand to speak with the Milwaukee Parks and Recreation Department this instant.

0:17: I think Bango's been watching a little too much of that Monday Night Raw stuff. A wonderful clothesline there. Nicely done on the whole backflip thing by whichever stuntman the Bucks paid 300 dollars to put on an Al Horford uni and get the crap kicked out of him by a goofy-looking team mascot.

0:22: Bango totally ripped that cake-in-the-face thing from clowns everywhere. Well, so did Rocky, the Nuggets mascot. Takes one to know one, I guess.

0:26: Love the other guy's thinking: "omigod, if I don't hastily rip this Hawks hat off my head and sit on it, I run the risk of having delicious dessert thrown in my face as well! I must act at once!"

0:29: Our first "did they just ACTUALLY do that?" moment. Where did Bango find a giant basketball like that? (Toys-R-Us?) And hey man, isn't this crossing the line? The guy's just trying to burn some cals. Maybe Bango was simply teaching him a lesson. Remember kids, never forget to attach the emergency clip to your shorts, or you might get giant toy balls hurled in your face by angry mascots who don't share your support of a particular NBA franchise. It's hazardous to your health.

0:32: And the flex afterward. Wow. Look at you, Bango. That ball probably weighs about three pounds. Muscle man, fo sho.

0:35: This part kills me. This frumpy Hawks fan approaches the Porta John with that "igottas---, igottas---, IGOTTAS--- RIGHT NOW!!!" walk. Then, for just a split second, she considers the notion of, "should I actually lower and defile myself by slapping my buttcheeks down on plastic that's touched God-knows-what and been God-knows-where?" before deciding that yes, yes it's worth it. It is nothing short of unbelievable that the Bucks hired the director from Superbad to oversee this production.

0:38: So the girl goes in there, and even before Bango comes into the screen, I think to myself: there's an 87 percent chance this Porta John is going to end up on its side in a matter of seconds. Let's see if I'm right.

0:43: Sure, Bango. I'll be vewwy, vewwy quiet. You're hunting Hawks fans.

0:46: More shenanigans from Bango: "Should I do it? Should I do it?" The operative answer, as always, Bango, is: duh.

0:51: DOWN IT GOES!! And there's the flex again. Clearly, Bango is a male.

0:53: OKAY, WAS THE S--T-COVERED JERSEY REALLY NECESSARY?!?!?!?! Are they ACTUALLY going to show this at the Bradley Center? Dear lord. I have a feeling this is going to end up on Pardon the Interruption on Monday.

0:55: Next scene: A good ol' beer softball league. Actually, it's just softball. I'm merely assuming there's beer in the dugout. It's Milwaukee. Guy gets a hit, and Bango immediately springs out of his catcher's stance into a full sprint toward center field. Pretty sure that's against the rules, Bango. I'll give him a free pass; it's not like they have a professional baseball team in Milwaukee.

1:02: Perfect takedown. E-8. This Hawks fan has got to be feeling the pain by now. Or if it's multiple Hawks fans...well, why the hell would there be multiple Hawks fans in Milwaukee.

(Is that two potshots in a row at the great city of Milwaukee? Yeah, I'm saying 'go fornicate yourself Brenner', too. Let's just move on.)

1:05: A seemingly harmless drink at the water cooler becomes disastrous for this backwards-cap-wearing chap. Bango makes sure to fly out of nowhere, tackling the guy and also taking out the water cooler in the process.

1:10: Man, I miss roller blading. I should buy a new pair of skates, just cruise around Davenport. But I digress.

1:12: Once again, Bango executes a perfect Ultimate Fighting move, rising into a flying kick to knock another fan out. What if the UFC or MMA leagues had bad-ass mascots like Bango? Would that enhance the experience, or just be really weird? I'm not sure.

1:18: Douchebag Hawks fan with a white hat three sizes too big with an arm slewn around his girl? Fine. The fact that a serial-abusing mascot like Bango is walking in his direction, with his right hand hiding behind his back? Slightly more alarming. This might be a good time to say, "uh, sweetie, maybe we should cross here." "But there's traffic coming." "JUST DO IT! CROSS NOW!"

1:22: Bango reveals a red Hulk-like fist on his right arm, punches the guy over the railing, where he lands in the river below. Because landing on the street would have been too violent for this video.

1:29: FEAR. THE. DEER.

(I do now.)

Have a good one.


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