I lied. Three-part NFL preview? What do you think we are, nuts?!?!
We gotta go at least 4.
Here's Tom Lea with his Week 1 picks. Still to come: B-dubs and AJ with a season preview for the greatest league on earth, the National Football League.Have at it, Tom. And way to use the same opening line as I did in the Part I post, haha. This was written Thursday evening, before the Titans-Steelers game.
-AJ
And so it begins.
Just a measly seven hours separate me from the (real) kickoff to the wonderful season of blocking, punting, groaning, bitching, whining, winning, Chad Ochocinco, beer drinking, hilarity, and Lendale White-dropping-30-pounds-after-dumping-Patron version of NFL football.
It’s been a long summer. The Brewers suck, my golf game sucks, not being a college student anymore sucks and having a job that pays just a tad more than a gas station attendant sucks. So, thank you, Mr. Goodell, for letting your league start tonight ... I need something to get me off.
By the way … Brett Favre sucks something harder than all of my life's suckiness combined.
So, without further ado, here are my picks for Week 1. And yes, I am expecting to get a multitude of bonus points for getting my picks in three days early. And yes, I plan on having an oh-fer at some point this season. C’mon, that was one of the highlights of this pick ‘em league a season ago.
THURSDAY NIGHT
Pittsburgh over Tennessee
Remember the last time a stud athlete was hit with sexual assault allegations? Oh, who am I kidding. I only had to listen to all those Eagle, Colo. references as the Lakers deposited the Nuggets into the bank of have a nice off-season last spring. (Editor's note: Fuck you, Tom.)
Anyway, my point is that Kobe Bryant led his team to the championship following that episode. Granted they got bumrushed by the Detroit Thugs (Pistons) in the finals, but the point is they made the finals.
So, I am picking the Steelers in week one and yes, I am calling it right now, the Steelers will return to the Super Bowl this season. They won’t win it, but they’ll get there. You’ll see who my NFC pick for Super Bowl contention and ultimate championship is later on in this piece.
And to Ben Roethlisberger…..I believe you. We just can’t trust women these days.
SUNDAY (aka the best day EVER)
Miami over Atlanta
What better way to start the opening Sunday than to do it with an upset pick. It’s kind of minor, but hell, it’s how I pick. It’s the Lea way.
Chad Pennington may have a noodle for an arm, but anytime that noodle transforms a 1-15 team to a playoff team in a division the Patriots play in, I will pick him over the Falcons any day of the week. Plus, Matty Ice is poised for a sophomore slump and he will kick that shitshow off in week one.
Baltimore over Kansas City
No-brainer….
Philadelphia over Carolina
McNabb, though he is the one who wanted Vick, feels the dog killer nipping at his heels.
He will be drowning in emotion at the start of the game only to see it hanging in the balance with a beaten up offensive line on the final drive. He’ll get it done with an electrifying performance in the fourth quarter en route to giving the Eagles the win.
Denver over Cincinnati
I have been watching Hard Knocks on HBO, and as disoriented as the Broncos are, believe me, the Bungals are just as bad, if not worse. This may be shocking to you, but in Orton I trust.
Minnesota over Cleveland
I thought about not picking the Vikings all year, but I decided against it. Favre throws 3 touchdowns and 2 picks en route to an easy 31-14 win. Excuse me, but I need to go vomit.
...
Just a measly seven hours separate me from the (real) kickoff to the wonderful season of blocking, punting, groaning, bitching, whining, winning, Chad Ochocinco, beer drinking, hilarity, and Lendale White-dropping-30-pounds-after-dumping-Patron version of NFL football.
It’s been a long summer. The Brewers suck, my golf game sucks, not being a college student anymore sucks and having a job that pays just a tad more than a gas station attendant sucks. So, thank you, Mr. Goodell, for letting your league start tonight ... I need something to get me off.
By the way … Brett Favre sucks something harder than all of my life's suckiness combined.
So, without further ado, here are my picks for Week 1. And yes, I am expecting to get a multitude of bonus points for getting my picks in three days early. And yes, I plan on having an oh-fer at some point this season. C’mon, that was one of the highlights of this pick ‘em league a season ago.
THURSDAY NIGHT
Pittsburgh over Tennessee
Remember the last time a stud athlete was hit with sexual assault allegations? Oh, who am I kidding. I only had to listen to all those Eagle, Colo. references as the Lakers deposited the Nuggets into the bank of have a nice off-season last spring. (Editor's note: Fuck you, Tom.)
Anyway, my point is that Kobe Bryant led his team to the championship following that episode. Granted they got bumrushed by the Detroit Thugs (Pistons) in the finals, but the point is they made the finals.
So, I am picking the Steelers in week one and yes, I am calling it right now, the Steelers will return to the Super Bowl this season. They won’t win it, but they’ll get there. You’ll see who my NFC pick for Super Bowl contention and ultimate championship is later on in this piece.
And to Ben Roethlisberger…..I believe you. We just can’t trust women these days.
SUNDAY (aka the best day EVER)
Miami over Atlanta
What better way to start the opening Sunday than to do it with an upset pick. It’s kind of minor, but hell, it’s how I pick. It’s the Lea way.
Chad Pennington may have a noodle for an arm, but anytime that noodle transforms a 1-15 team to a playoff team in a division the Patriots play in, I will pick him over the Falcons any day of the week. Plus, Matty Ice is poised for a sophomore slump and he will kick that shitshow off in week one.
Baltimore over Kansas City
No-brainer….
Philadelphia over Carolina
McNabb, though he is the one who wanted Vick, feels the dog killer nipping at his heels.
He will be drowning in emotion at the start of the game only to see it hanging in the balance with a beaten up offensive line on the final drive. He’ll get it done with an electrifying performance in the fourth quarter en route to giving the Eagles the win.
Denver over Cincinnati
I have been watching Hard Knocks on HBO, and as disoriented as the Broncos are, believe me, the Bungals are just as bad, if not worse. This may be shocking to you, but in Orton I trust.
Minnesota over Cleveland
I thought about not picking the Vikings all year, but I decided against it. Favre throws 3 touchdowns and 2 picks en route to an easy 31-14 win. Excuse me, but I need to go vomit.
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...
...
...
...
Okay, I’m back.
Houston over New York Jets
When it’s over, Houston will be the one delivering any Dirty Sanchez’s.
Jacksonville over Indy
Here’s another upset pick … call me stupid you will, but try me once, you’ll have to try me again twice. Wait, how does that go? I’m confused. (Editor's Note: what else is new)
New Orleans over Detroit
Believe me, I’ll be the first one in this damn thing to get the Lions' first win in 13 years correct. Count it.
Tampa Bay over Dallas
Yes, the Bucs fired their offensive coordinator. Yes, they have 31 quarterbacks on their roster. Yes, the Cowboys have “Mr. Dreamy” Tomo (See what I did there). But this will come down to a critical punt hitting the 3,000-foot long TV Mr. Jones put up above the field. Wait, I’m getting a call….
I guess it’s not in Dallas……fuck it. Go Bucs Go.
Arizona over San Fran
I’m not even wasting my time. Crabtree with 8 catches for 210 yards and 3 touchdowns…….
The GEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE MEN over Washington
I don’t care, just wanted to type that out.
Seattle over St. Louis
Oh, how I love Interleague play. Pujols will go 3-5 with 2 dingers. Ichiro will have 2,183 hits, but the Cardinals still win 8-4 … Oh shit, this is football?
I guess Seattle will take it.
...
...
Okay, I’m back.
Houston over New York Jets
When it’s over, Houston will be the one delivering any Dirty Sanchez’s.
Jacksonville over Indy
Here’s another upset pick … call me stupid you will, but try me once, you’ll have to try me again twice. Wait, how does that go? I’m confused. (Editor's Note: what else is new)
New Orleans over Detroit
Believe me, I’ll be the first one in this damn thing to get the Lions' first win in 13 years correct. Count it.
Tampa Bay over Dallas
Yes, the Bucs fired their offensive coordinator. Yes, they have 31 quarterbacks on their roster. Yes, the Cowboys have “Mr. Dreamy” Tomo (See what I did there). But this will come down to a critical punt hitting the 3,000-foot long TV Mr. Jones put up above the field. Wait, I’m getting a call….
I guess it’s not in Dallas……fuck it. Go Bucs Go.
Arizona over San Fran
I’m not even wasting my time. Crabtree with 8 catches for 210 yards and 3 touchdowns…….
The GEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE MEN over Washington
I don’t care, just wanted to type that out.
Seattle over St. Louis
Oh, how I love Interleague play. Pujols will go 3-5 with 2 dingers. Ichiro will have 2,183 hits, but the Cardinals still win 8-4 … Oh shit, this is football?
I guess Seattle will take it.
The Pack over Da BearsAnd here they are … S.U.P.E.R. B.O.W.L. champions … I’ll leave it up to you to decipher if I’m talking Packers or Bears.
MONDAY NIGHT
New England over Buffalo
I hear this Tom Brady character is back. Personally, I thought Drew Henson was better.
San Diego over Oakland
Merriman is just going to choke out the opponents.
I hear this Tom Brady character is back. Personally, I thought Drew Henson was better.
San Diego over Oakland
Merriman is just going to choke out the opponents.
There you have it. Sorry for cutting it off so soon, but I have six proud fantasy franchises to attend to.
Until next week,
Tom
Until next week,
Tom
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