Eben Britton Will End You and more Case of the Mondays

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Mile High Musings for a Monday morning after turning 22 years old and spending the day wondering – pondering, even – if I should follow in Chad Johnson’s footsteps and change my name to “Double Deuce”…

I think I learned this weekend the biggest reason the NFL Draft annoys me is because we just don’t know what the heck the teams are thinking. I still watch it because it is entertaining and there’s a hopeful aura that your team picks well-known names that fit your team’s needs.

But we won’t know how this draft class will pan out for a few seasons after Mr. Irrelevant’s name is called, and you usually just walk away wondering why your team didn’t follow what ESPN experts were saying they should have done.

You do have to love the seventh round of the NFL draft. Here were some of the names taken in the first eight picks of the Irrelevant round: Chris Ogbannaya, Paul Fanaika, Taufui Vakapuna, Edjuan Biggers, and – my personal favorite – Captain Munnerlyn. Yarrr, Captain!

Wow, way to spit on your fans, Denver Broncos. You honestly thought reaching for the best running back in the draft about ten spots too high was going to woo your fan base? We’re not stupid, Josh McDaniels.

It’s obvious the problem last year was defense, notably getting to the quarterback and stopping the run. So why, why, why in the world did you take your ten picks and use just four of them on defense – and only one pick (Robert Ayers) on the front seven???? WHY????

But hey, the ex-Patriot McDaniels did manage to select a sixth-round quarterback whose name starts with "Tom Bra...."

I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'.

And at least the Broncos didn’t pick a wide receiver No. 7 when he was a questionable first-rounder…with Michael Crabtree perfectly available. Or a cornerback in the second round when Senor Hairpiece vehemently argued he could’ve been signed in free agency.

Could be a fun column sometime: What are the five worst franchises in sports? Al Davis' Raiders are right up there.

How about this story out of Jacksonville? Sounds like somebody took their cocky pills Saturday. Eben Britton, the Jags' second pick - and second offensive tackle, after Eugene Monroe - apparently got an A in self-confidence class. Have a look at some of his quotes, after sliding down out of the first round and into the 39th overall selection:

“I couldn’t be happier that to be picked by the Jacksonville Jaguars but I was (ticked) off. There isn’t a bigger organization that I could have asked for, but every team that passed on me will regret it for the rest of the history of that franchise.”

“I was always told I wasn’t big enough, fast enough to play. Well, the chip (on my shoulder) just got a little bigger and somebody’s going to pay.”

So what's your career plans, Eben?

“I want to lead the Jacksonville Jaguars to the Super Bowl and I want to become the greatest tackle in the history of the NFL.”

Oh. Okay. What do you think of Mel Kiper Jr. and Todd McShay?

“You know what, if one of these draft guys lined up across from me, they’d be dead, so that’s not something I’m really concerned with. If you want to line up across from Eben Britton, you’re going to know what’s happening to you, I guarantee you that.”

Eben Britton sure knows what Eben Britton wants. Here's guessing we never hear from Eben Britton again.

The NBA has passed a new law. When the Celtics need a three-pointer in the final 30 seconds of a basketball game, the opposing coach must – MUST – double-team Ray Allen and tell his two guards, “I don’t care if they pick and roll, if they penetrate and kick, if they bring out the Patriots’ offensive line to block for Ray Allen or if Ray takes the shot from the popcorn stand in section 218. If you let Allen have any more than three and a half inches of open space during this next possession, you both will be on a bus heading to the D-League before the final horn.”

The next coach who fails to do this is breaking the law…and should be on a bus heading to coach D-League before the final horn.

Why? This. (32 second mark)

And this.

And this.

And this.

And, finally, this.

Get the picture, Bulls?

My roommate Justin’s take on the Cleveland-Detroit series, when ABC cut away from the scintillating Bulls-Celtics game to LeBron warming up for a Game 4 promo: “They’re gonna win by 70.”

And the sad thing is, my immediate response was, ‘well, not quite. But they’ll be close. The scrubs will whittle it down to a 50-point win.’

I think it’s safe to say Denver won the Chauncey-Iverson trade.

News: Despite legitimate speculation that the University of Wisconsin would not put a single prospect into the first three rounds of this weekend’s NFL Draft, four Badgers were taken in the third round after a UW-less Day 1. Matt Shaughnessy (Oakland), Kraig Urbik (Pittsburgh) and DeAndre Levy (Detroit) were taken eight spots apart in the 70s picks, and Travis Beckum (New York Giants) was the 100th overall pick and the final selection of the third round.

Views: I have to tip my cap to Wisconsin, which must be proud of being just one of seven schools to produce four draft picks in the first three rounds (or, if this was last year or any prior year, four first-day selections.) Granted, nobody was actually a first-day pick in 2009, but when nobody figures you to have anybody gone in the first three rounds, four Badgers bucking the scout’s take is a nice trend.

More views: That all being said, what does that tell you about the 2009 Badgers, having just lost four top-100 players from a 7-6 team? As Scooby-doo might say…Ruh roh.

The above clip shows Jacoby Ellsbury stealing home against the Yankees, helping the Red Sox earn a three-game sweep.

Apparently the results Boston-New York rivalry is something like 52-51 since the start of the 2004 season. Coulda fooled me. It seems like the Sox absolutely own the Yankees every time they play.

But back to Ellsbury’s domestic burglary: check out the 1:15 mark. So the bases are loaded. Andy Pettitte is a left-handed pitcher who takes forever to throw a pitch out of the full, and can’t see Ellsbury. The Yankee third baseman (don’t know who it is, too lazy to look it up, all I know is it’s not A-Roid) isn’t holding on Ellsbury, who is as sneaky as he is fast.

With there being a left-handed hitter at the plate facing a lefty pitcher, the chances are slim that a ball will be hit to the third-base area. And Ellsbury took a giant lead before he even took off…he had such a great jump that he stumbled the last two steps and still got in safely.

What did we learn from this little event? That maybe the Yankees should have kept some of that $423.5 million they gave to CC/Tex/Burnett and spent it on, you know, sensible coaching with common sense.

Later this week, I’ll have my annual birthday wishes column, along with a little piece on a beloved event held in Madison each year that according to a friend of mine, doubled as “the world’s largest wet t-shirt contest” in 2009.

Apparently, State of Play is “sooooooo damn good.” I’ll have to see if it’s as good as Taken.

Family Guy with an off week, after a hilarious episode last Sunday. Hopefully this doesn’t start a downward spiral. And that’s all I have to say about that.

Have a good one.

-AJ