Preseason Big Ten Power Rankings

.
1) Ohio State (11-2, 7-1 Big Ten in 2009)
The Terrelle Pryor for Heisman train has officially reached full speed, and he certainly is the catalyst to the Bucks’ season. If he doesn’t play up to the hype, Ohio State will stumble once or twice. If the kid’s as dominating a passer as he is a presence, the Buckeyes are headed back to the BCS championship game.

2) Iowa (11-2, 6-2)
In a player poll by ESPN the Mag, the Hawkeyes were voted the likely conference champion. The defense continues to be regarded as among the best in the nation, and while the Adrian Clayborn-led unit is stout, losing LBs Pat Angerer and A.J. Edds to the NFL should not be overlooked. An improved offense could make Iowa BCS-bound even if the Hawkeyes can’t catch the Buckeyes.

3) Wisconsin (10-3, 5-3)
A long time ago, a certain student beat writer said that 2010 was the year Wisconsin won the Big Ten because of quarterback play. Well, Pryor’s better than ever, and the guy who looked like the Badgers’ quarterback of the future is sidelined for perhaps the whole year. But while Curt Phillips’ time will have to wait, Scott Tolzien has blossomed. Factor in that John Clay fellow for a high-powered offense, but the defense must improve after losing O’Brien Schofield.

4) Michigan State (6-7, 4-4)
Put me down for a bounceback year in East Lansing. You figure the Spartans should stop the ball better than that, especially with Greg Jones around for what it seems like his eighth year. Michigan State doesn’t leave home until Oct. 9, but road games at Northwestern, Iowa and Penn State make a .500 Big Ten record seem distinctly possible.

5) Penn State (11-2, 6-2)
Talk of the demise of the Nittany Lions is trendy, what with Darryl Smith out the door and the ageless Joe Paterno figuring to lose his recruiting pitch with each passing year. But much like Bo Ryan’s basketballers, Penn State just finds a way every season to be strong, so it’s hard to imagine PSU slipping out of the upper half of the conference.

6) Northwestern (8-5, 5-3)
It seemed egregious to place the Wildcats in the top four in anything pertaining to athletics. But darnit, Northwestern might do it this year. The schedule stacks up for NU to potentially carry eight or nine wins into Camp Randall for the season finale on Turkey weekend.

7) Michigan (5-7, 1-7)
Well, Rich Rod’s gotta put a quality product on the field one of these years, right? With the cheating and all. Seriously, the Wolverines’ brutal schedule won’t let Michigan reach those old days of double-digit wins. But the first bowl game in the Rodriguez regime isn’t a stretch.

8) Illinois (3-9, 2-6)
Put me down for a bounceback year in Champaign. And yet, sadly, for the Illini, it doesn’t take much to bounce back from just three wins. Ron Zook’s seat is hotter than the fire sauce at Taco Bell, but a Bounty-soft home schedule - you know, after hosting Ohio State to open Big Ten play - should help ease UI to an increased win total.

9) Purdue (5-7, 4-4)
What rhymes with Brett Favre and transferred to Purdue this year? Robert Marve, who gets to throw to Keith Smith this year. Hey, how come Marve isn’t spelled Mavre? Seems like it would be the logical thing to do for a quarterback. Looks like the Miami transfer wants to cavre his own path.

10) Minnesota (6-7, 3-5)
Adam Weber really should be better than this. But with Eric Decker gone to the professional ranks, it looks like the best receiver on the team might be MarQueis Gray, Weber’s stocky backup. Tim Brewster talks a big game, but his squad doesn’t look quite up to the task.

11) Indiana (4-8, 1-7)
The program has never recovered from being stricken with tragedy in coach Terry Hoeppner’s death. Tandon Doss is an exciting wide receiver to watch, but there’s not much else to cheer in Bloomington.

Kenny Chesney - "Boys of Fall"

.
Former colleague and fellow UW alum Eric Schmoldt posted this on his Wyoming blog last week, and with Week 1 of the high school football season beginning in a few days, I thought it'd be appropriate to follow his lead. This is an 8-minute video, but it is well worth your time, trust me, from beginning to end. I've never played a down of organized football, and now I wanna throw a uniform on too.

Kenny Chesney - The Boys of Fall (Official Music Video)Kenny Chesney

-AJ

Sportsman of the Month: July (not August. Duh.)

Sportsman of the Month: Kevin Durant

Pop quiz: Which organization allegedly received the financial benefits from LeBron James' one-hour ESPN special three weeks ago?

Quick! Which interviewer sat down with LeBron and asked him about 38 useless questions before asking him the only question that counted (where ya goin')?

Without hesitating, can you recite the exact words LeBron used to announce his Decision on where to play basketball for the next five years?

And one last pop quiz: what did Kevin Durant announce via Twitter on July 7, the day before LeBron's Decision?

Admit it. The answers to the first three questions sprung to mind automatically, in the same manner as "what is your birthday?" and "when's the last time the Cubs won the World Series?"

Admit this, too: you didn't immediately recognize that Kevin Durant signed a five-year extension with the Oklahoma City Thunder. That's because Durant's TV special took exactly 60 minutes less than Lebron's, ahem, one-hour circus.

Put it this way, folks: type "LeBron James signs" into a Google search. Then try "Kevin Durant signs". One of them yields 23.8 million results. The other gives you a smidge over 600,000. Guess which one's which.

Now, I'm not saying I like my athletes to be bland, boring, excessively married to the norm. I miss the days when athletes could say and do as they pleased without getting ripped for showing a little color.

But LeBron's Decision was Decisively stupid. There's not much left to say at this point, obviously, but the way he left Cleveland was shameful. And addressing himself multiple times in the third person that night? A pity to see a wondeful athlete and affable personality tear down his good-guy persona in just one night.

That only serves to make Kevin Durant look that much better. A man whose talent gap from James is smaller than you think, and a man who has won the same amount of NBA Finals games as James, showed humility and loyalty with "The Tweet".

So good for Kevin Durant. If Carmelo Anthony makes the hard Decision to leave Denver in 2011, and if I'm forced to make the impossible Decision of divorcing the Nuggets, I think I know which bandwagon I'm jumping on.

-AJ

Tom Lea's Soul Crushed By LeBron James

.
I would react to the LeBacle myself. But Tom Lea, a LeBron fanatic, said it better than I could. So here is his quick-hit reaction from the other night. Enjoy. -AJ

(Quick note: This puppy is about 2,000 words long. I just thought I'd warn you ahead of time.)

I'm not going to beat around the bush. I am upset.

But before I proceed, I want to make sure everyone that has any interest in reading my humble opinion doesn't take me being upset as me being irrational in the heat of the moment, or even something as harsh as being pissed off. Because it's simply not the case. In fact, upset really isn't the word I'm looking for. It's something in between being upset and disappointed. In essence, I feel like I was played for the past seven years.

I know I have no ties to LeBron and I probably never will (as much as I hate to say it). I know I am not one of his friends, his boys, his mentors or anything of that sort and I know all of you already know that I am nothing but a simple fan of his. So when I say I feel played, I say it knowing full-heartedly that nothing in my life is going to change because of his decision. Nothing he did is going to have any direct effect on my life other than the fact that I'll be watching a lot of Heat games in the coming years.

I am cognizant that there is a fine line between being a rational fan and one that gets carried away during major events (a devastating loss, bad coaching move, or in this case, a earth shattering free agent move), so I'm trying to offer a couple of thoughts that stem just from my fandom.

I don't want this to become a shouting match or anything along those lines. I just know my phone has been blowing up over the past hour and instead of texting everyone the same thing over and over, I am just going to type up my thoughts on this. Besides, it's much easier this way.

So here I go....

By packing up the bags and leaving Akron/Cleveland for the lovely beaches of Miami, I have learned a couple of things about my favorite player. And it's these things that have led me to be a bit disappointed. Since I don't feel like writing a book on the subject and knowing there are a million directions I could take this monologue, I'm going to limit my rant to just a couple of things that really hit me hard when he made the decision. Even though the fact that he's going to be in a different uniform, with different colors and a different surrounding hasn't really set in yet.

First of all, and I go back to my use of the word played, for the seven years LBJ has been in the league I have thought he was a man on the brink of accomplishing something special. He led an absolutely horrid team (the 2007 Cavs) to an NBA Finals appearance as really the only player worth a damn on the roster. Without him, that team probably doesn't make the playoffs and if it does, it leaves in the first round.

When I think back to that game in Detroit (Game 5) during the Eastern Conference Finals, I think of a 22 year old kid dominating NBA veterans to the tune of 27 of his teams final 28 points. And I remember him elevating his game to Jordan-esque levels and seeing his competitive nature wreak havoc on a stunned-and favored-Pistons team. That game, eventually a double-overtime win, was one of the more transcendent performances I can ever remember seeing. He was remarkable. He literally willed his team to victory (excuse the cliche).

And from that performance I thought I witnessed a sense of ability, a sense of entitlement and a sense of competitive nature being born. I thought LeBron developed the mindset that some of the NBA greats had. I thought he finally got that super-competitive drive that made him feel like he was destined to revive a city that hasn't seen any sort of champion in 50 years. I thought he wanted to be that guy. I thought he would do whatever it takes to deliver his hometown the glory that has been escaping it for decades. I thought he was up to that challenge.

That's why I always thought he would stay in Cleveland. That's why up to five minutes before the show tonight I said he would remain there. And that's why my heart sank a little bit when the word Miami slipped out of his mouth on national television. I realized that he didn't have what it takes to deliver a title by himself and the reality sank in that he needed the help of a couple of all-world players in order to accomplish something I (admittedly selfishly) wanted to see him do as the lead character.

I know that team will be good with those three running the ship. But I also know that in order to win, and to win at the highest level in the NBA, you need a full squad of five guys, plus about three or four more role players that give you things off the bench. For all the hype Kobe, Gasol and Odom get, they have guys like Fisher, Bynum and Artest doing work at their side.

For all the hype KG, Ray Allen and Paul Pierce get, that Celtics team—the one that held a 13 point second half lead over those same Lakers in game 7— would have never been in the series if it wasn't for the play of Rondo, Kendrick Perkins, Glen Davis, Nate Robinson, Tony Allen and Brian Scalabrine (I shouldn't have brought him into it, haha).

Who are going to be the nine guys that the Heat get at minimum contracts to support those three guys?

That's what worries me about it.

They say you can see a train wreck coming a mile away. Well, I see a train wreck headed for South Beach and it's about a year away. I just don't see it working. Five guys comprise a team, and for as great as Bosh, Wade and James are, they also have Mario Chalmers and Dexter Pittman filling out their starting five. Who? I know.....

During the show, LeBron made the point that nobody knew of the Rondo's, Perkins and Davis' of the world when the Celtics started their big three. And that eventually the big three helped mold those role players into what they are today and what they were in June. But they also weren't minimum contract guys that they had to bring in during the midst of the summer like the Heat are going to have to do.

Who is going to want to take those contracts, for the minimum, one year before a probable lockout? People need to get paid. I know that's not what it's all about, but for guys that are seeing their careers wind down, it might very well be. So it's going to be hard to win a title right away without the necessary parts in Miami.

At least in Boston, or LA for that matter, the parts of a team were in place. The parts to this team revolve around three players. And if one of them goes down (Wade) or they don't function as well as they historically have, things aren't going to go over well just because the pressure and expectations are going to be that high. It's championship or bust in South Beach.

Which leads me to my next point.

Probably more than anything else, I am saddened that all three of these players are going to have to switch their style of play for this marriage to work.

The thing I liked about James as a Cav was the fact that he had the ability to go off on any given night. He had the ability to do something truly incredible every time he stepped foot on the court. I suppose he still has that chance but it's not going to be as exaggerated as it once was.

Now, with those other two guys, he's going to sacrifice some of the things that made me absolutely love him. He's unselfish so it probably won't be that big of a deal, but I'm selfish and it's going to be hard to see his points per game dip to 21 or 22 a night instead of 30. He's an exciting player, probably the most exciting in the league, and now he's going to be tamed down offensively. As a fan, I feel like I am kind of being cheated out of his potential.

The same can be said about Wade. The way he recklessly does things on the court, the way he fills up the score cards, the way he scores the ball can all be thrown out because he's going to make sure everyone is involved. Essentially, we're putting a cap on all of the abilities these three players have showcased over the past seven years. And as a true basketball fan and a lover of the game, this makes me very sad. I understand these three can do special things together, but it will come at the expense of one of them, individually, doing something that will make my jaw drop, call my friends frantically, or relish the fact that I truly saw something amazing.

I know it's all conjecture at this point because we haven't seen this thing put into motion yet. But in a purely speculative manner, I am nervous that we are handicapping the potential greatness that all three of these players have in them. We are no longer going to see the same players—Lebron as a Cav, Bosh as a Raptor and Wade as a Heat? (not sure how that works)—instead, we will see a group of guys that are scared to take over the team at the expense of everyone else and at the expense of fearing failure.

That, in essence, is why I am somewhere between upset and disappointed in regards to tonight's developments. I don't feel as though I am being irrational and I surely don't want anyone thinking I suddenly switched over to a LeBron hater. I haven't. I still really, really like him and I am excited (albeit reserved) about his future.

In the end, the fact that he's going to be viewed as a villain by many makes me turn sour. He said it's a business move and I can understand that. I just think there were better options. Go to Chicago if it's truly about winning. Stay in Cleveland if it was truly about loyalty. Go to Miami if you feel it's your best shot at winning a title or multiple titles. So for that, I don't blame him.

I just wish he had been able to accomplish some of the things I know he is capable of as the main guy, the main attraction. I just don't like that he admitted his failure by bolting for the 'on paper' potential of a team of superstars. And I really don't like the fact that he is going to have to change his game to make this work.

I really want LeBron to succeed and I hope all the best is still ahead for him. I know this had to have been taxing for him and that it's a major weight off his shoulders. I just hope he isn't tainted by this as a player, although I fear he will be.

(Sorry for the length of this and for the weak ending. I am gassed and I wasn't really sure how to wrap this thing up. Thanks for reading.)

-Tom

The Six Greatest Rockies Walkoffs Since 2007

.
If I did this blogging thing for a living, I'd offer you the Top Rockies Walkoffs of All-Time. But then I'd be working on it for three weeks, the list would look more like "38 Greatest Rockies Walkoffs of All-Time" and I would still probably be missing some great ones.

So, I offer you the six best walkoff wins in the last 3 years. Enjoy.


No. 6: Helton Gets It All Started
Sept. 18, 2007
We start at the beginning - at least in terms of on the calendar. This is the earliest entry of these six memories. But Todd Helton's walkoff blast against Takashi Saito was what got 21 of 22 started. Wish there was video, so this will have to do. (Let me know if you have a link to video.)

No. 5: Papel-BOMBED
June 23, 2010
Ubaldo got rocked, sure. In the only game I'll probably see him pitch live this season. That was no fun. But this sure shut up all the obnoxious - and I do mean, OBNOXIOUS with a capital OBNOXIOUS - Boston fans. Jason Giambi and the golden thong live!

No. 4: 9 in the 9th
July 6, 2010
Poor Ryan Franklin. Poor Tony LaRussa. And most of all, poor DJ Jarvis. Biggest 9th-inning comeback in Colorado Rockies history, and that's saying something. This is Seth Smith's first career walkoff homer.

No. 3: Ryan Spilborghs is "SPRINTING AROUND THE BASES!"
Sept. 24, 2009
Arguably the greatest call in the career of Fox Sports Rocky Mountain play-by-play man Drew Goodman. Much like Helton's blast propelled the '07 Rox to Rocktober, this Spilly home run pushed the '09 team into October. Yes, Helton's hit ended up meaning more. But again, the Goodman reaction pushed this walkoff up the list.

No. 2: Fireworks? What Fireworks?
July 4, 2008
I was at this game. I'm still not sure how the Rockies won it. And never will be.

No. 1: Game 163
Oct. 1, 2007

"It sounds like the kind of bedtime story you'd tell your 5-year-old son when he wants to hear a fairy tale." - Ryan Spilborghs

I can't quite put into words what this game, this night, this memory means to me. I've said it over and over, and I'll say it again: it doesn't matter how many Super Bowls or Stanley Cups or major championships come to Denver. Game 163 will be that fairy tale I'll tell my son, when he asks what was the best sports moment of my life. The fact that it ultimately led to this makes it all the more special.

-AB

Sportsmen of the Month: Armando Galarraga and Jim Joyce

.

So I must be weird or something. When I first saw the realtime replay (meaning no slo-mo) of Jason Donald's foot meeting the bag at roughly the same time as that of Armando Galarraga, I thought it was a close play. Probably out, but a close play. However, first-base umpire Jim Joyce extended his arms to signal a safe runner.

Subsequently, the Detroit Tigers raised their arms and opened their mouths in bitter shock. Jim Leyland was apoplectic. The Tigers radio announcers went berzerk. The fans at Comerica booed effusively. The boys in Bristol cued up the replay to be reshown 3,000 times from 28 different angles. The nation's columnists and talking heads prepared their outrage, and so did the nation's sports fans.

And Armando Galarraga smiled.

He just stood their and smiled. Out of disappointment, out of frustration, out of hard luck, out of whatever emotion he was feeling, who knows. But the point was, he acted in such a foreign manner that 99.9 percent of us could never fathom expressing under the circumstances.

In the aftermath of Galarraga being, well, cheated out of joining the elusive MLB perfect game club, he never said an ill word toward Joyce, toward the umpires, toward Miguel Cabrera (who had tossed Galarraga the ball perhaps a tad casually), toward God, toward karma, toward anyone. He just took life as it happened, like a gentleman.

In the aftermath of Joyce's bang-bang call cheating Galarraga's perfection, he never uttered an excuse. Never got on the defensive. Never tried to stammer some half-baked reason for his call. He simply saw the replay, knew he screwed up, and dug into his internal resources for something that way, WAY too many people in this world don't comprehend.

He was accountable. He made a mistake, he owned up to it, and he apologized.

Isn't that what sports is all about? Nay ... isn't that what LIFE is all about???

I'm also weird for thinking that this story was completely overblown. If Joyce had made a bad call in the 12th inning of Game 7 of the World Series, I'd be screaming for universal instant replay like everyone else. But this, to me, doesn't fit the bill. Wins and losses and championships count more than personal achievements.

I'm also weird for thinking that Bud Selig did the right thing by upholding the call and not reversing Joyce's decision, thus officially keeping Galarraga out of the archives as a perfect-game pitcher. Talk about opening a can of worms the size of Mongolia if Selig had done that (and I'm not a Selig fan by any means).

So this was a story that filled the airspace for a good week or two. But what's splendid is, it only lives on not in a negative light by Joyce's mistake or the instant replay controversy.

It lives on because of the sportsmanship, the integrity, and the high character two men showed on and after June 2. Armando Galarraga and Jim Joyce had a beautiful story written about them by Sports Illustrated's Tom Verducci in June.

Wouldn't surprise me if there was another story penned in 6 months. One of the SOTY variety.

-AJ

News and Views

I could sit here and just pretend I have been a terrible co-blogger, but that would be disrespectful to AJ. I have failed you all, but I offer you this post and hope you will forgive me.

Germany smothers England | Refs miss goal
If you only read the first three words, you may get flashbacks to 1941. God Bless the World Cup, one of the only sporting events where headlines could be misinterpreted as describing a war.

Disputed goal helps Argentina upend Mexico
Its true, Tevez was wayyyy offsides, and Mexico fell apart after that goal. But come on... Argentina is far and away the better team and I'm pumped to see them against Germany.

Sources: Nets to court Wade, Bosh after LeBron
Nets to court Wade... because they have no shot at Chicago bound Bosh and Lebron. Got this from Bill Simmons: "48 hours ago sportsbook.com had Lebron at _125 and Bosh at +300 to sign with the Bulls. Now? Both are -500." VEGAS NEVER LIES

Rays' Longoria: Spat with Upton is over with
Nobody cares. The Rays are falling faster than BP's stock.

Johnson uses force to win in Loudon | Blount
Nascar.... blah blah blah.... Nascar.... blah blah... speed... blah... cars.

Red Sox KO Lincecum | Martinez breaks thumb
BOSox are playing some great baseball but Pedroia and Martinez injuries could be costly in that division.

U.S. scatters from WCup | Kobe proud of effort
I'm so glad Kobe is proud of our World Cup effort. Maybe if he was on the pitch we would have gotten some calls.

Nadal says knee feels OK after practice session
Yikes... hate to see him hurting. Tennis is only fun when Federer and Nadal are running at near 100%

Branyan returning to Seattle in M's-Indians deal
Who? And its the Mariners... they stink.

Lakers' Jackson weighs Karl's illness in decision

Would love to see Jackson leave LA behind and go coach Lebron or something. I just like change. Too bad that wont happen.

Other notes:
As of writing this, my Texas Rangers have closed into 1/2 of a game of the Yankees for the best record in baseball. Oh and the Yankees are losing in the 8th right now. I'm just saying.... well I dont know what I'm saying. The Rangers have great team chemistry and are playing great... great baseball.
I'm rooting for Argentina in the World Cup, because they are incredible to watch. If they dont win it, it would be awesome to see a team from outside of South America and Europe win it. Never happened before. Ghana... Japan? Would be cool, probably not happening but I'll root for the underdog.

Stay Classy,

B-Dubs.

Sportsman of the Month: UUUUUUUUUU

.
Just, uh, so you know, Bango was April's Sportsman of the Month. Sure, why not. He was my end-of-April blog post, so we'll go with the Bucks crazy, possibly psycho mascot.

May's pick is a little more worthy. And a little more awesome.


Ubaldo Jimenez officially yanked the title of "Best Pitcher in the NL West" from Timmmmmaaaaaay Lincecum on Memorial Day with his complete-game shutout of the Giants. Yes, it was the Giants batting against UUUUU, but still. That brings Ubaldo's April/May line in 11 starts to the following:

10-1, 0.78 ERA, 0.90 WHIP, 2 complete game shutouts, 1 no-hitter, 1 HR against (1!), 26 walks and 70 strikeouts in 80.1 innings

Hey, look at that. I didn't pass out from excitement that time thinking about that line. Chalk that up in the win column, otherwise known as Ubaldo's home.

Do you people realize...

- Ubaldo's own batting average (.097), with just three hits at the plate, is 19 points higher than his ERA? Who's ever HEARD of that before?

- Ubaldo has left 6 games this season with a big fat zero on the opponent's side of the scoreboard? 6 scoreless starts. But hey, let's be fair to Timmy, the man who led the NL in that category in 2009. Of course, he had 7. The entire year. Not just April and May.

- Ubaldo is good at saying "No! No!" and not just against Atlanta? Think how hard it is to string together, say, 10 scoreless innings. Now think about doing 20 in a row. Not quite enough? Okay, let's settle in at 25. Twenty-five consecutive innings - 75 outs in succession - without allowing a run. Now imagine doing it twice. In the same season. Ubaldo's done it. Again, in April and May.

- Ubaldo needs just one more win to equal the Rockies record for wins before the All-Star Break? Feel free to take your time, UUUUUUUUUU, since that won't be for another seven starts or so. (Actually, no, please, don't take your time. The Rox are 17-23 with you in the dugout wearing a Starter jacket.)

- That speaking of which, in UUUUUUUUUU's 11 starts, the Rockies have spotted him 5, 4, 4, 2, 12, 5, 0, 6, 4, 7, and 4 runs? Take out the outlying 12-1 win over Arizona, and the Rox are giving UUUUUUUUUU 4.1 runs per start. Not exactly the '27 Yankees slugging him to cheap victories.

- Only three pitchers in the last 100 years (since ERA was created) have won 10 of their first 11 starts with lower than a 1.00 ERA? Juan Marichal, in 1966, is the only other man besides U to do it since the Great Depression.

- Ubaldo became the sixth pitcher in the last 20 years to win 10 games in April and May? Pedro Martinez, Roger Clemens and John Smoltz are three others. They're pretty good. They went on to win this thing called the Cy Young Award.

- That in 5 career head-to-head matchups, the scoreboard reads Ubaldo Jimenez 4, Tim Lincecum 1?

- That Jim Tracy, usually a well-spoken man, said the following after Monday: "I am beginning to run out of words, really, to describe not only the excellence, but the dominance in which this guy is pitching up to this point. This is just another fabulous start ... what else can I say? Enough said."?

- That Ubaldo will probably still not get that thing called the Cy Young Award because of a certain Colorado native pitching in Philadelphia? East-coast bias is an ugly thing. Of course, the cruel injustice in such a situation would be all those years of national writers making excuses for explosive Rockies hitters playing in Coors Field being swept abruptly under the rug.

Frankly, I wouldn't care. Really, I wouldn't. These have been two months for the ages, and I can't wait to see how much longer UUUUUUUUUU can keep this UUUUUUUUUUp.

FEAR THE DEER. No, seriously. I'm scared.

.
First, let me say the following blog post is in jest. I've got mad respect for the Bucks, and I actually can't wait to watch the Hawks-Bucks game tomorrow. The Bradley should be rocking.

But ... I mean, have you seen this video?



Time to recap this masterpiece, mini-Bill Simmons/Ben Voelkel running diary-style:

0:06: Already, six seconds in, and your mouth is already dropping. Why are cartoony deer leaping out of nowhere (well, not nowhere. Bango was clearly standing on that rock beach in clear daylight, and for some reason this Hawks jersey-clad kid couldn't see what horrible collison he was about to incur) to tackle innocent bike-riders? And did Bango consider if there were young children around to witness this potentially life-scarring incident? I demand to speak with the Milwaukee Parks and Recreation Department this instant.

0:17: I think Bango's been watching a little too much of that Monday Night Raw stuff. A wonderful clothesline there. Nicely done on the whole backflip thing by whichever stuntman the Bucks paid 300 dollars to put on an Al Horford uni and get the crap kicked out of him by a goofy-looking team mascot.

0:22: Bango totally ripped that cake-in-the-face thing from clowns everywhere. Well, so did Rocky, the Nuggets mascot. Takes one to know one, I guess.

0:26: Love the other guy's thinking: "omigod, if I don't hastily rip this Hawks hat off my head and sit on it, I run the risk of having delicious dessert thrown in my face as well! I must act at once!"

0:29: Our first "did they just ACTUALLY do that?" moment. Where did Bango find a giant basketball like that? (Toys-R-Us?) And hey man, isn't this crossing the line? The guy's just trying to burn some cals. Maybe Bango was simply teaching him a lesson. Remember kids, never forget to attach the emergency clip to your shorts, or you might get giant toy balls hurled in your face by angry mascots who don't share your support of a particular NBA franchise. It's hazardous to your health.

0:32: And the flex afterward. Wow. Look at you, Bango. That ball probably weighs about three pounds. Muscle man, fo sho.

0:35: This part kills me. This frumpy Hawks fan approaches the Porta John with that "igottas---, igottas---, IGOTTAS--- RIGHT NOW!!!" walk. Then, for just a split second, she considers the notion of, "should I actually lower and defile myself by slapping my buttcheeks down on plastic that's touched God-knows-what and been God-knows-where?" before deciding that yes, yes it's worth it. It is nothing short of unbelievable that the Bucks hired the director from Superbad to oversee this production.

0:38: So the girl goes in there, and even before Bango comes into the screen, I think to myself: there's an 87 percent chance this Porta John is going to end up on its side in a matter of seconds. Let's see if I'm right.

0:43: Sure, Bango. I'll be vewwy, vewwy quiet. You're hunting Hawks fans.

0:46: More shenanigans from Bango: "Should I do it? Should I do it?" The operative answer, as always, Bango, is: duh.

0:51: DOWN IT GOES!! And there's the flex again. Clearly, Bango is a male.

0:53: OKAY, WAS THE S--T-COVERED JERSEY REALLY NECESSARY?!?!?!?! Are they ACTUALLY going to show this at the Bradley Center? Dear lord. I have a feeling this is going to end up on Pardon the Interruption on Monday.

0:55: Next scene: A good ol' beer softball league. Actually, it's just softball. I'm merely assuming there's beer in the dugout. It's Milwaukee. Guy gets a hit, and Bango immediately springs out of his catcher's stance into a full sprint toward center field. Pretty sure that's against the rules, Bango. I'll give him a free pass; it's not like they have a professional baseball team in Milwaukee.

1:02: Perfect takedown. E-8. This Hawks fan has got to be feeling the pain by now. Or if it's multiple Hawks fans...well, why the hell would there be multiple Hawks fans in Milwaukee.

(Is that two potshots in a row at the great city of Milwaukee? Yeah, I'm saying 'go fornicate yourself Brenner', too. Let's just move on.)

1:05: A seemingly harmless drink at the water cooler becomes disastrous for this backwards-cap-wearing chap. Bango makes sure to fly out of nowhere, tackling the guy and also taking out the water cooler in the process.

1:10: Man, I miss roller blading. I should buy a new pair of skates, just cruise around Davenport. But I digress.

1:12: Once again, Bango executes a perfect Ultimate Fighting move, rising into a flying kick to knock another fan out. What if the UFC or MMA leagues had bad-ass mascots like Bango? Would that enhance the experience, or just be really weird? I'm not sure.

1:18: Douchebag Hawks fan with a white hat three sizes too big with an arm slewn around his girl? Fine. The fact that a serial-abusing mascot like Bango is walking in his direction, with his right hand hiding behind his back? Slightly more alarming. This might be a good time to say, "uh, sweetie, maybe we should cross here." "But there's traffic coming." "JUST DO IT! CROSS NOW!"

1:22: Bango reveals a red Hulk-like fist on his right arm, punches the guy over the railing, where he lands in the river below. Because landing on the street would have been too violent for this video.

1:29: FEAR. THE. DEER.

(I do now.)

Have a good one.

AB

Mile High Musings: 11 Denver Points to Ponder

.
A banner day in the 303, if I do say so myself. Here are 11 notes from a truly Super Saturday:

1) Ubaldo for Cy. Ya heard it here first. I can't wait to buy his jersey in June (and name my firstborn son/daugher Ubaldo/a Champ Brenner in 2018). Throw in the fact that his No. 38 jersey makes it impossible for me to blow a bucket of money on the roulette tables, and my man-love for UUUUUUUUU is pretty much complete.

2) I've watched the 7th-inning replay about 20 times. And I'm still absolutely befuddled as to how in the world Dexter Fowler caught that baseball. Not quite DeWayne-esque, but pretty damn close.

3) A few friends from here in Davenport and from afar have commented on the somewhat-unfortunate timing of Ubaldo's no-hitter in regards to national coverage, since Saturday was the opening act for the NBA playoffs and featured that 20-inning offensive crapfest in St. Louis. Yeah, too bad he couldn't have the show all to himself. But since I dig on ESPN all the time, I must commend both the Worldwide Leader as well as MLB.com for giving Ubaldo his fair due.

Special shoutout to MLB.com for providing free live look-ins on big baseball happenings such as a no-hitter or walk-off situation. In Paris Hilton talk, "that's hot."

4) Yeah, Ubaldo walked six guys. Big whoop. Wanna fight about it?

Look at it this way: let's say you often frequent the same steakhouse, and you're rarely disappointed. Then one time, you go in there and your waiter presents you with THE PERFECT PORTERHOUSE. This baby is the way steak is supposed to be made; it's the chef's finest moment. Now let's say the mashed potatoes are a little mushy; the asparagus was a touch undercooked; your water was a little too lemony and the waterboy spilled ice cubes all over the table because those damn pitchers don't know how to store ice cubes properly.

You gonna remember ANY of that secondary stuff? Of course not. You're remembering THE steak. That's why the six walks don't matter much to me. Nor does the fact that Ubaldo needed 128 pitches to get through nine. This was his shining moment.

5) One final note: anyone notice who was behind the plate for the no-no? That's right: Miguel Olivo. He's also caught the Rockies to a 4-2 record with a .348 average. Meanwhile, the Rox are 2-3 with Chris Iannetta behind the plate, who sports a .190 average. I nominate the new guy for full-time catcher. My patience with CI is wearing thin.


6) Welcome back to the Roller Coaster Otherwise Known As The Denver Nuggets.

Is this what it's like to date a schizophrenic girlfriend? Can't this team just decide whether it wants to be great or terrible and get on with it? Simmons writes the other day in his ESPN.com NBA playoff column that Utah has a better team, and in light of the San Antonio/Phoenix debacles, I completely agreed at that time. Now I think he couldn't be more wrong after the Game 1 victory. That Utah team cannot score with Denver.

7) Melo offered to Holly Rowe a parcel of the following postgame quote: "...we passed, we played defense..." I only heard those five words. Didn't need to hear any more.

This is an official request to the Nuggets' video coordinator to clip those five words, copy and paste together 100 times in one of those remix tapes, and show it to the Nuggets in their next team meeting until they get sick of hearing it. HAMMER THOSE WORDS INTO THEIR FREAKING HEADS. Pass. Play defense. Pass. Play defense. Pass. Play defense. They do those two things, they CAN and WILL beat any team on the planet. They don't, and they lose to the Knicks, the 76ers, and perhaps even the Butler Bulldogs. That's how these things work. After a nifty give-and-go with Afflalo and Chauncey that resulted in a Double-A 3-ball, Doris Burke (who did a wonderful color job on the game, by the way) pointed out perfectly on cue that in the Nuggets' wins, they average 23 assists; in their losses, 16.

This isn't rocket science, fellas. Pass. Play defense. Win.


8) The fourth quarter spurt is exactly why we're never trading JR Smith. We're stuck with him, or better or worse, through sickness and in health, until death do us part (a couple of 28 percent shooting seasons would do it too)

9) I have zero expectations for these playoffs. And it is pretty darn liberating. A lot less stressful. I wish I could feel more excited about the Nuggets' chances to put it together for six weeks and make a fantastic playoff run. But without George Karl at full pace, we're screwed. This spring of 2010 has completely, 180-degree reshaped my beliefs that NBA coaches don't matter.




10) So the 8th-seeded Avs were 32 seconds away from taking a 2-0 lead back to Pepsi Center. Expect nothing less from those playoff-underachieving Sharks. Either way, it's a great time to be a Denver fan. The proud Avalanche tradition is looking up.


11) Buh-bye, B-Marsh. We hardly knew ye. Don't let the door hit you on your egotistical ass on the way out. Anyone wanna start a "How Long Until Marshall Gets Suspended For Being Shenaniganalicious In South Beach" Pool? I'm in for Week 10 of the 2010 season.



Have a good one.

-AJ